I've Been a Homeowner for Two Years Now. Here's What I've Learned

THERE ARE TAXES AND FEES YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF SEWAGE FEES LAWN TAXES NEIGHBORHOOD FEES URINE TAXES EVERYTHING’S EXPENSIVE EVERYTHING BREAKS EVENTUALLY SHIT YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO BREAK WILL BREAK I HAD A BROKEN STOOP STEP LAST YEAR HOW THE FUCK DO YOU BREAK A STOOP STEP WE HAVE SOFT FEET IN THIS HOUSE SMALL CHILDREN ARE MENACES THEY WILL WRITE ON WALLS AND SHIT IN OVENS AND THEN SMILE AT YOU LIKE THEY GAVE YOU A PROMOTION SMALL CHILDREN ARE ASSHOLES IF YOU HAVE SMALL CHILDREN YOU WILL ALWAYS BE CLEANING SOMETHING ALWAYS UNLESS YOU DECIDE NOT TO CLEAN FOR A DAY BUT THEN YOUR HOUSE WILL BE ON HOARDERS THIS IS NOT HYPERBOLE THE DISTANCE BETWEEN HABITABLE AND HOARDERS IS JUST ONE WEEKEND YOU WILL WANT THINGS YOU SPECIFICALLY SAID YOU DID NOT WANT WHILE HOUSE HUNTING LIKE A BIG YARD FOR INSTANCE BECAUSE FUCK BIG YARDS BIG YARDS ARE FOR REPUBLICANS AND NIGGAS NAMED “RALPH” BUT NOW I WANT A BIG YARD AND THEN YOU WON’T WANT THE THINGS YOU THOUGHT YOU NEEDED LIKE AN OPEN CONCEPT THE FIRST TWO FLOORS OF MY HOUSE ARE BASICALLY ONE BIG ROOM WHICH SEEMED COOL ON ZILLOW BUT NOW JUST MEANS THERE’S NO ESCAPING ANYONE EVER AND ALSO IF YOU HAVE AN OPEN FIRST FLOOR AND YOUR KITCHEN OR WHATEVER IS MESSY THAN THE ENTIRE FIRST FLOOR SEEMS MESSY BECAUSE THAT’S JUST HOW OUR BRAINS PROCESS INFORMATION AND THEN YOU’LL FIND YOURSELF BUYING THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU NEEDED LIKE COTTONELLE FLUSHABLE WIPES WHICH DON’T REALLY ASSIST WITH HOME MAINTENANCE BUT SINCE YOU’RE SPENDING MORE TIME IN THE BATHROOM TO ESCAPE NIGGAS AT LEAST YOU WANT TO FEEL GOOD AND THEY REALLY DO FEEL GOOD THIS AIN’T EVEN A JOKE THEY FEEL LIKE HOW ICE CREAM TASTES LIKE HOW CORRINE BAILEY RAE’S VOICE SOUNDS LIKE HOW RIHANNA ON A RAINBOW WOULD LOOK IF THAT WERE POSSIBLE I KNOW WE USED TO FUCK WITH TERRENCE HOWARD FOR THE WET WIPES THING BUT HE HAD A POINT!