'Aunt Jemima Was Canceled' Says Very Sad White Woman Upset About Black Lives Matter and…Pancake Syrup

According to their grammatically-challenged Twitter bio, Turning Point USA is a “Student Movement for Freedom, Free Markets, Limited Government.” While I won’t quite call them Hitler Youth USA, I wouldn’t not call them Hitler Youth USA, either. (But you can call them Hitler Youth USA if you want!) Again, I will not call them Hitler Youth USA, however, I will say that perhaps they should change their name to “We’re Not Quite Hitler Youth USA” and that’s what I will call them, for continuity’s sake.

Yesterday, We’re Not Quite Hitler Youth USA held a rally for Donald Trump in Phoenix, as the president looked to rebound from his quadruple-plywood album release in Tulsa last weekend. This event featured several We’re Not Quite Hitler Youth USA speakers, including a young woman named Regan Escudé—who has become a bit of a right-wing folk hero after she was allegedly fired from her job for crimes of whiteness. (Also, did you know that Crimes Of Whiteness was the original title of Little Fires Everywhere?)

During her speech, Little Miss Whiteshine lamented that she’s “SEEN PASTORS CALL FOR WHITE CONGREGANTS TO KNEEL AND TO APOLOGIZE AND TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE SKIN GOD GAVE THEM.” I left that in all caps because that’s how it appears on C-SPAN.org, where the full transcript of her speech can be found. And also I just think this manic and untethered stream of whiteousness sounds better if read in Gilbert Gottfried’s voice.

Anyway, Escudé eventually connected her plight to what happened to…Aunt Jemima—perhaps the first time in record history that a 20-something blonde looked at a pancake syrup bottle and thought, “I feel seen.”

Easily the best, most entertaining, and frankly most Emmy-worthy part of this clip is the dramatic pause between “Aunt Jemima” and “was canceled.” She said it with a gravity that would suggest that Aunt Jemima was literally her aunt. And not just her aunt, but a collective, group, community aunt. A herd aunt. Look what these monsters did to our old, sweet, black, Auntie J. 

She continues with some background on Nancy Green—the woman Aunt Jemima was based on—citing her as an example of the American Dream. But in the actual reality that exists in, you know, actual reality, there is no evidence that Green shared in any of the profits from the company that sold the pancake mix. She continued working as a housekeeper and died in 1923 after being hit by a car. This is actually a terrible story, but facts don’t matter to Bottled Blonde Eva Braun as much as performative grievance does.

Fortunately for her, I doubt she’ll be unemployed for long. Tyrannosaurus Lice is losing some of her luster, and who better to replace her on Fox than Aunt Jemima’s niece?