A List of Things Longer Than the Confederacy Was

1. The (still growing) gap between Anti and whatever Rihanna decides to release when she’s bored hawking drawers to thirsty Deltas.

2. The not-yet-produced comprehensive oral history of Shaun King’s greatest “investment opportunities.”

3. The (approximate) driving distance between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia.

4. The stretch of time between middle and high school when I was just really into Chili from TLC, Tatyana Ali, Ananda Lewis and the rest of the sort of wavy-haired black girls that would have been models on Just For Me product boxes.

5. Don Lemon’s journey from Judas to…someone who is just not Judas anymore, I guess.

6. The coma the Bride from Kill Bill was in.

7. The amount of time the coronatine would have to be before I started baking bread like the rest of y’all sourdough-ass niggas been doing.

Note from News Editor Monique Judge: Put some respect on (managing editor) Genetta’s name, Damon.

8. The lines at Essence Fest in 2018 in front of every restaurant name-dropped by Beyoncé. (I still want to fight her for this.)

9. Tyler Perry’s wig budget.

10. The distance between gates at Hartsfield–Jackson International Airport.

11. The fall from the top edge of the sunken place to the bottom, which is how Jason Whitlock has a full head of hair now.

12. The gap between releasing and sharing and promoting and talking about and writing about and making tour appearances with a book, and the very last Facebook-connected friend—who you know is on your page every day—saying “Hey, why didn’t you tell me your book was out?” to you.

13. The list of books I’d really like Kanye West to just sit somewhere and read.

14. The bizarre and creepy Stefan Urquelle plotline on Family Matters. (Seriously.)

15. The line of black women outside of IKEA each day if it changed its name to Yahya Abdul-Mateen’s OnlyFans.