So, Donald Trump has been convicted of a felony. He’s the first former president in history to hold that dubious distinction; because the Founding Fathers couldn’t have possibly planned for shit like this, the law has no provisions for a convicted man running for president….meaning he could easily wind up back in the White House in November.
Regardless of what happens in the election, the first four years of Trump in the White House beget a noxious breeding ground of politicians and…well, just trashy humans…intent on carrying his flag of tomfoolery. Below are several politicians who have either kissed Trump’s ring at some point or have ridden his coattails of toxicity.
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Ted Cruz
The Texas senator — content not to go by his birth name Rafael Edward, likely for fear that his own constituency will attempt to deport him — said of the Trump verdict: “This is a dark day for America. This entire trial has been a sham, and it is nothing more than political persecution.” To Trump’s credit, that’s a great schnoz to keep buried in his hind parts.
Lauren Boebert
The Trump-loving Colorado rep keeps some foolishness going, like all those minor arrests that would have tanked her career long ago if she weren’t a white woman, or that whole thing about her being escorted from a “Beetlejuice” play for being generally obnoxious. Come to think about it, she’d fit in the Trump administration just fine.
Ben Carson
To a certain generation of Black folks, Carson is like Anakin Skywalker turned Darth Vader…the Chosen One who turned his back on all his people and upset the entire order of things. Dude decided at some point to transform into The Worst and never look back.
Marjorie Taylor Greene
The definitive Karen. If someone told me they established “Karen” as an adjective because of Greene, I wouldn’t bat an eye. Fortunately, Jasmine Crockett recently, and memorably, read the House of Representative’s filthiest member for filth.
Marco Rubio
Trump curb-stomped Rubio when they competed for the White House in 2016. And like any good loser who knows his place, the Florida senator is now kissing all the culo to become his vice president in 2024.
Kristi Noem
The South Dakota governor is MAGA to the core, so it’s no surprise that her opponents have continued to hound (haha) her about shooting and killing her family dog, Cricket, two decades ago. That alone could keep her off of Trump’s VP ticket, because if there’s one thing white people love more than Black folks, it’s dogs.
Matt Gaetz
This man has the worst face ever concocted by whomever is responsible for concocting faces. It almost doesn’t matter that virtually everything that comes out of it is virulent.
Kari Lake
Anyone who makes a point of condemning the NFL for having the audacity to allow a youth choir to perform the Black National Anthem before a game could use a hobby worth a damn…especially when her complexion has many convinced that she’s adjacent to One of Y’all.
Mark Robinson
North Carolina’s lieutenant governor looks like one of your uncles, but only if that uncle’s name is Thomas. Dude fixed his mouth to say that Black folks needed to pay reparations to the U.S. In Trump’s endorsement of Robinson, he called him “Martin Luther King on steroids.” Not today, Satan.
Vivek Ramaswamy
Ramaswamy was recently spanked by Trump for the Republican presidential nomination and has since stayed close to him in the hopes of getting that coveted vice president nomination. Don’t let that surname fool you – he’s every bit as toxic as his white male homies.
Paul Gosar
The Arizona representative isn’t well known, but dude has a seemingly unabashed connection to white supremacists and Nazi sympathizers…including some on his own staff. Like, if you wanna be David Duke in 2024, just say that.
Ron DeSantis
Perhaps the worst person on this list due to his attempts to singlehandedly transform Florida into “The Handmaid’s Tale.” The very best thing anyone can say about DeSantis is that he was too inept to survive on the Republican presidential nominee ticket with Trump.
Samuel Alito
An utter stain on the U.S. Supreme Court. And that’s saying a lot, because there are several stains to be found in that motley crew.
Larry Elder
Like herpes sores, Elder keeps popping up. And also like herpes sores, we can’t seem to ever make him go away for good.
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