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Donald Trump Will NOT Catch the Coronavirus, So Don't Pray For It to Happen or Try to Speak It Into Existence
Iâm not quite sure when exactly it happened, but at some point in the past week my coronavirus-related anxiety shifted from âthis is a thing I should think about, I guessâ to âthis is a thing I should actively worry about.â Even if weâre able to effectively contain the spread of it, it now seems…
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An Open Letter to the (White) Men in Airport Restrooms Who Refuse to Wash Their Hands
Hey Thad. It is Thad, right? How did I know that was your name? Lucky guess, I guess. Anyway, I know youâre in a rush. Weâre in Gate A and your flight to Austin boards in 22 minutes from Gate E, and Charlotte Douglas International Airport is arbitrarily and unnecessarily massive, so Iâll keep this…
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A Eulogy for 'But What About Harvey Weinstein, Tho?'
We regret to inform you that âBut What About Harvey Weinstein, Tho?ââthe bizarre and increasingly popular defense of R. Kelly, Russell Simmons, Bill Cosby and any other black man some (idiots) feel has been unfairly persecuted and scapegoated by the media, feminists, black women, SANS (simp-ass niggas), Oprah Winfrey, Gayle King, and the Illuminatiâhas died…
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My Life as a Black Who Flies First Class
âWhat do you call a black man in first class?â I asked the gate agent, as I stood first in the first-class line, so I could be first in first class. I like to be first in first class, so I can sit first and watch all the white people watching me, the black man…
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Snoop Doesn't Love Kobe, He Just Hates Black Women
Unless you belong to an arbitrarily specific religion that prays exclusively to Gayle King and/or Oprah Winfrey, neither of those women are gods. Which means that neither is infallible. And if, for instance, you allowed Gayle to borrow your last $20 and she refuses to pay you back, or you invited Oprah to a game…
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10 Reasons Why Inviting White People to the Mythical 'Cookout' Is Stupid and Silly and Needs to Stop Forever
1. Because itâs stupid and silly. 2. Because youâre fucking goofy for thinking this is cool. 3. Because cookout meat is precious and sacred and not meant to be shared with interlopers, gentrifiers, and Travis Fucking Kelce. 4. Because the bar for what constitutes âcookout invitesâ is lower than Rush Limbaughâs life expectancy. 5. Because…
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Terry Crews Is Ashy
There are, according to my research, three grades of ash; each uncomfortable in its own way, but one a bit deeper and, um, ashier than the rest. First, of course, is literal ash. This is what happens when your skin gets dry and an anti-sheen attacks it, leaving you looking and feeling like you just…
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On Processing My Messy Feelings About Kobe Bryantâs Myth, Life and Death
The first time I saw Kobe Bryant play live was at the McDonaldâs All-American Basketball Game in 1996. The game was played in Pittsburgh that year, and I went to the Civic Arena downtown to watch it. Iâd already had a relationship with the idea of him. He was the top high school basketball player…
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Maybe Meghan Markle Was Just Tired of Eating Baked Beans and Eggs on Toast for Breakfast
Any list of the pleasant surprises from the months of book-related touring, talks, events, and appearances in 2019 would include the week I spent in London in May. It was my first time in Englandâa place I never had any desire to visit. (Iâve seen Closer seven times, which I figured was enough London for…
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An Open Letter to All the Disrespectful Negroes Who Went to Ghana and Ditched Us in Triflin'-Ass America
Firstly, I hate each and every one of you. Secondly, Iâm not even sure if âfirstlyâ is a wordâit felt awkward in my mouth, like peanut butter on potato chipsâbut it fits with what Iâm saying, so it will be today. But thirdly (and most importantly), why did you do this to us? Of course, âusâ…
