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The NFL Is Just Not That Into Colin Kaepernick, and This Sham 'Workout' Proves It
While thinking about the nebulous âworkoutâ the NFL recently offered to Colin Kaepernick, Iâm reminded of…Heâs Just Not That Into You. Which, well, let me explain: Like most other zeitgeist-driving cultural entities of the early aughts, the general premise of the book and subsequent film Heâs Just Not That Into You hasnât aged well. Back…
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40 Questions for the People Who Stand as Soon as the Plane Lands
(Disclaimer: If youâre physically impaired in some capacity and need to stand as soon as the plane lands, please ignore this and keep standing! If not, well, answer me!) 1. Where are you going? 2. Do you not yet realize that we are going to the same place? 3. And that the door is shut?…
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10 Worthwhile Hobbies For These Bored Billionaires Who So Obviously Need Them
1. Cross-country road trips, where they drive to different states just to hunt and eat other rich people. 2. Provide funding for a commercial airline where the people who stand when the plane first lands are immediately ejected from it, shot into the atmosphere, and melted by the sun. 3. Go to the moon, and…
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10 Thoughts on What the Popeyeâs Chicken Sandwich Craze Says About Black People and Our Misplaced Priorities
1. Zip 2. Zilch 3. Zippo 4. Zero 5. Nada 6. Nathan 7. Nothing 8. Naw 9. Naught 10. Nigga?
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I Will Never Forgive America for Trying to Convince Me That Richard Spencer Is âDapperâ
The pathologically un-rewatchable Joker has become the highest-grossing R-rated movie in history, surpassing Deadpool 2. I am not surprised by this, as the audience for depictions of maladjusted and sexually frustrated white men finding catharsis in violence is, well, bottomless. Add a mundane mythos, a late-â70s/early-â80s NYC aesthetic, a refried casserole of important seeming themes…
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Yeah, I Think I Hate Halloween
On the âThings I Happen To Hateâ spectrumâwhich, unfortunately, seems to be lengthening as I ageâHalloween is nowhere near the pinnacle. In fact, it is a basement/replacement-level hate, down there with beets and âblack Republican male haircutsââacceptably hateable things that arenât worth the bandwidth necessary for an active antipathy. My Halloween hate exists at the…
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If Everything Is a Lynching, Nothing Is a Lynching
Iâm reminded, today, a day after Donald Trump called his impeachment inquiry a lynchingâand an hour after reading that good oleâ Uncle Joe Biden once made the same analogy about Bill Clintonâs impeachmentâof last weekâs round of âSo, Who Doesnât Want to Be a Nigger But Wants to Say Nigga?â Specifically, my thoughts are centered…
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Zion Williamson Is Basketball Bo Jackson
You can find some of the very worst people in the world on Twitter, in barbershops, at bars, and anywhere else the upcoming NBA season is being discussed. If you need help distinguishing these repugnant motherfuckers from the rest, just listen in on the conversation, wait until Zion Williamson is brought up, and witness their…
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I Just Thought of the Perfect Comeback to Something Said About Me 30 Years Ago, and I Couldn't Be Happier
I am being generous (to myself) when thinking that half the people reading this will have at least one of the following responses to this title: 1. Wait, what? 2. Why do you even still know what was said to you 30 years ago? 3. Or care enough to still think about a comeback that,…
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The Emperor Has No Jokes: How Come None of Y'all Told Me That Joker Was So Damn Boring?
Mostly, Joker was what I expected it to be. Iâd read and heard enough about it in the past several weeks that I knew what to anticipate. I knew itâd be a goulash of loud and important-sounding themesâ âmental health!â âeconomic anxiety!â âcapitalism!ââwithout actually saying much about any of them. Ellipses on a neon billboard.…
