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The Beard You Grow When You’re Fine With a Dollop of Racism but Not 'Everyone, Even My Barber, Knows You're Racist Now' Racism
20 Questions after watching The Bachelor finale last night while the Nets and Knicks game was on commercial breaks: 1. How much racism do you think would have been acceptable to Matt? 2. On the “she’s racist, but she’s cute and I want to bone, and that makes this a difficult decision” spectrum—which I assume…
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It Doesn't Feel Like It's Been a Year
So I was soft-hedging off my man because I knew that the ball-hander would be coming off the screen looking to pass, not shoot. I’d played with him—and most of the rest of the people on the court that evening at LA Fitness—enough to know his tendencies. Whether he liked to turn to his right…
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A List of All the Biases That Prevent Me From Considering Drake One of the Greatest Rappers Ever (Which He, Unfortunately, Is)
1. He reminds me of hotel shampoo so much that I’ve just started calling him Hotel Shampoo. 2. The irrational and disproportionate emotional and spiritual attachment I have to the rappers I listened to and loved when I was younger, which makes it more difficult for a “newer” person to move me. 3. He’s never…
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Did Queen Aoleon Joffer and Cleo McDowell Eventually Bone?
In anticipation of the upcoming Coming to America sequel, we decided to devote a week to some observations, questions, and theories we’ve always had about the iconic original. Reason(s) Why I Think They Eventually Boned: The final scene in Coming to America is Akeem and Lisa’s wedding parade, and all of Zamunda is there to…
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Creighton's Greg McDermott Told His Team to 'Stay on the Plantation' Like That's a Normal Thing People Say and I Can't Stop Laughing About It
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL I WILL NEVER NOT BE BOTH HORRIFIED AND TICKLED—TICKLEFIED—BY WHITE PEOPLE’S COMMITMENT TO INVENTING AND DISCOVERING NEW RACISMS LIKE HOW WAZE DISCOVERS NEW ROUTES HOW LAYS DISCOVERS NEW CHIPS HOW VAN JONES DISCOVERS NEW FENCES TO SQUAT ON IT IS THEIR CALLING THEIR VOCATION THEIR BIRTHRIGHT THEIR PASSION THEIR L’ AMOUR YUP I JUST…
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The Fits of Coming to America's Darryl Jenks, Ranked From 'He Looks Warm' to 'WTF Is That?'
In anticipation of the upcoming Coming to America sequel, we decided to devote a week to some observations, questions, and theories we’ve always had about the iconic original. Juicy-headed Darryl Jenks might not have been the first person 10-year-old me was jealous of, but he’s the first person I can remember where I saw them…
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28 Days of Black Joy: My Lush, Opulent, and Juicy Pandemic Beard
Can you be attracted to your own beard? Not the face it covers. Just the beard. My face is fine, I guess. It’s a nose and some eyes and a mouth, like most faces. I’m grateful for it. But I’m not, like, thinking about boning it, like the way I’d try to bone my Chewbacca…
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The Best Example of the Sneaky Evil of Copaganda? The 'Redemption' of Reginald VelJohnson's Kid-Killing Cop in Die Hard
When watching any television show or movie depicting police officers, it’s not hard to see why this sort of copaganda is so consistently effective. The presence of law enforcement on screen usually means there’s also an entity present that the law enforcement is attempting to stop, and this gives you a quick and clean demarcation…
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After Throwing His Wife, His Dad, His State, His Country, His Name, and His Nuts Under the Bus, Ted Cruz Throws His Daughters There, Too
Has there ever been a man, real or fictional, as pathetic as Ted Cruz? That was not a rhetorical question. I’m genuinely curious. Of course, there have been worse people. Hitler. King Leopold II of Belgium. Rush Limbaugh. Grayson Allen. But pathetic exists in a different stratosphere; a singular entity at the intersection of loathe…
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Rush Limbaugh Died Today. Here Are Some More Sneakers I Own.
So I’d never heard of the Bergdorf Goodman store until Pusha T made a reference to it in “Higher”—which, all things considered, is probably one of my 15 favorite rap songs. Not to be outdone by a middle-aged rapper with perpetual protective styles, I made a trek to Bergdorf Goodman while in New York City…
