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Why It's Dumb (and Vaguely Republican) to Be Mad About Blake Griffin's Child Support Payments, Explained [Updated]
Updated: Friday, August 3, 2018, 6:05 p.m. EDT: According to TMZ Sports, the oft-reported $258,000 a month child support payment is actually $32,000. If youâre still upset about this relatively small figure, you need to take a spa day or something. Blake Griffin is a power forward for the Detroit Pistons who exists in that…
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Intentionally Bad Tippers Are Trash People You Should Never Trust, and There Are No Exceptions to This Rule
One of the most underrated parts of a) adulthood and b) being an adult with an occupation that allows for some flexibility on where Iâm able to work is that I donât have to spend much time around people I donât fuck with. No asshole 11th grader I have to catch the school bus with each…
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Somehow, Donald Trump Keeps Finding Groups of Thirsty, Shameless and Silly Church Negroes to Meet With Him
If I am ever lucky enough to meet God, of the myriad questions I plan to ask Him (most, btw, involve lactose intolerance), one of the more pressing will be: Where exactly is the bottomless pit containing the endless cadre of thirsty, feckless, shameless, stupid and silly niggas willing to meet with Donald Trump located?…
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Nothing Reminds You That You're Black in White America Like Trying to Buy a HouseÂ
Five weeks ago, moments after landing back in Pittsburgh after a two-day long trip to Chicago, I switched off airplane mode, checked my phone, and saw a transcribed voicemail from my mortgage consultant, asking me to call him back. We were 11 days away from closing. The loan and the interest rate had already been…
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Polite White People Are (Still) Useless
Earlier today, the New York Times published a piece where Margaret Renkl, a very nice white lady, instructed other very nice white ladies and gentlemen on how to be nicer to their racist brethren. If youâve ever thought to yourself, Self, how can I be more magnanimous to racists?, âHow to Talk to a Racistâ…
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Things Black People Say When You Might Be About to Catch Those Hands But You're Not Quite Sure
If the âAiight. Betâ is accompanied by a lack of eye contact and a slight head nodâand not a shy lack of eye contact but eyes that are clearly focused on something elseârun. Donât ask questions. Donât wait for clarification. Just run. Same. Same, again. Thus ends the famed and dreaded âAiight Foursome.â The irony…
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A List of Things La Croix Tastes Like
1. Puddle water with a severance package 2. How Steve Bannon looks 3. Listening to Rita Ora 4. Being open-hand slapped with an almost-ripe banana 5. Gnat pussy 6. A read receipt 7. An ambitious saltine 8. A sincere effort to make colonoscopy prep more tolerable 9. One of those burps that occurs after youâve…
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Shit Bougie Black People Love: 35. Pretending to Enjoy La Croix
Although bougie black people have grown to be adaptable to all seasons, summertime is when theyâre truly in their element. Between the numerous festivals, fests, day parties, block parties, clam bakes, fish fries, boat rides, and bottomless trap brunches occurring weekly in places BBP congregate, it provides them prime opportunity to see and be seen.…
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Are White Sneakers Worth the Trouble? (An Important Debate)
White sneakers are a thing that many people own and occasionally wear. I own two pairs, and Iâve enjoyed the experience of owning and wearing them. I would imagine that other wearers and owners of white sneakers have similar positive thoughts about them. Wearing white sneakers is like drinking grapefruit juice. It might not be…
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10 Quick Things About What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker, an Upcoming Memoir in Essays From Damon Young
Yes, I did. Itâs right there in my bio, man. But just in case you didnât readâand you very obviously didnâtâin the fall of 2016, I signed a two-book deal with Ecco Books, an imprint of HarperCollins. This is the first book. Itâs a look at some of the absurdities, angsts and anxieties of existing…
