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So I Watched the 'Y'all Can't Twerk in Here' Video Again, and That Guy's Short-Sleeved Turtleneck Still Makes No Sense
It is below freezing in Pittsburgh today, with wind chills in the teens. I’ve spent much of the day indoors, shielded from the weather and protected by the central heating in our house, but inside still feels the effects of the cold. Sitting next to a window, for instance, feels like sitting next to a…
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This Holiday Season, Be Thankful You're Not Jason Whitlock
“It could be worse” seems to have overtaken the many versions of “I’m fine” on the list of the most common responses to “How are you doing?” Understandable, considering that we’re in a global pandemic and just responding with “I’m fine” feels both disingenuous and insensitive. But while “It could be worse” is sufficiently sober,…
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My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy Was the Greatest Rap Album of the 21st Century, and Kanye Never Recovered From It
A funny thing about My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy when compared to the other rap albums that exist in the space where “iconic album” and “album I happen to love” overlap is that I don’t remember where or when I first heard it. I could tell you where I was when I first heard Wu-Forever…
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Unpopular Opinion: Turkey Is Good
I hadn’t realized exactly how thoroughly I’d been influenced by the onslaught of anti-turkey propaganda until making a Thanksgiving shopping list with my wife this morning. (It is weird that we’re still planning to purchase and cook a sailor’s buffet of food despite the fact that no one will be in our house except for…
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55 Ways White People Say ‘White People’ Without Actually Saying ‘White People’ (Updated)
1. Americans 2. Real Americans 3. Middle America 4. Working-class Americans 5. Patriots 6. Europeans 7. Southerners 8. Midwesterners 9. Millennials 10. Christians 11. Evangelicals 12. Red-state voters 13. Rust Belt voters 14. Conservatives 15. Republicans 16. Suburbanites 17. Gentrifiers 18. Families 19. Veterans 20. Soccer moms 21. Management 22. Law enforcement 23. Hardworking Americans…
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Why Every Joke, Tweet, and Essay Whining About How 'Cancel Culture Is Very Bad' Is Very Dumb, Explained
Jackson was walking down the street, headed to The Container Store when he saw his friend Timothee approaching. He hadn’t seen Timothee since two summers ago, when they both were stagehands on Bat Out of Hell: The Musical, so they were happy to see each other. Timothee also appeared to be eating a taco. “What’s…
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How Much Would You Pay to Watch a Secret Service Agent Drag Trump Out of the White House?
My parents and I used to play a game where one of us would think of some ridiculous dare, assign an arbitrarily low price to it, and then would keep increasing the ask until a “Yes” happened. Mom, to me and Dad: Would you walk to Get n’ Go butt-ass naked for 100 bucks? Dad…
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A Letter to the Dickheads Who Love to Tell You When People You Don't Know Are Talking Shit About You
The list of things that I don’t know is boundless. Endless. Infinite. There are so many things that I don’t know that the only thing approaching it in scale is the list of things I don’t even know that I don’t even know. For instance, I did not know, until last week, that Joe Biden…
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Joe Biden Is Right: For America to Heal, We Must Find Common Ground With Trump Supporters
It’s morning in America, as we bask in the afterglow of Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. winning the presidency after a contentious battle with Donald Trump. This wasn’t just a win for President-elect Biden and Kamala Harris. It was a victory for hope, for honor, for righteousness, for the ancestors, for a return of class, and…
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What's Everyone Having for Lunch Today?
I haven’t yet decided if I’m going to eat the leftover tacos from last night’s dinner order. It’s the simplest but least attractive option, because refrigerated and reheated tacos don’t age well, so if I do eat them, I’ll probably eat them cold. Also, if I make this decision, will I choose the chorizo joints…
