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White Women Overjoyed for Opportunity Every Four Years to Remind America That They're White
“Did you see us?” called a mysterious and haunting chorus behind me while I was walking down the street. I was puzzled because the street was just empty, so I assumed perhaps I was either daydreaming or just misheard an arbitrarily articulate dray of squirrels. “Tell us you saw us,” they repeated. I turned, cautiously,…
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Joe Biden Might Still Win, But White Supremacy is Undefeated
If you extract yourself from your body and the present and view America as a single, 401-year-long continuum, the only aspect of our nation that has remained static through our existence is white supremacy. It is both the threading fabric connecting 1619 to 1776 to 1863 to 1956 to 2016 and the amniotic fluid greasing…
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If Trump Loses, Thank Black People. If He Wins, Blame White People
When the dust settles and a winner of the presidential election is declared tomorrow night or some time in 2023, the results will immediately be proceeded by a vast and annoying ecosystem of discourse attempting to find answers, give thanks, and assign blame. Fortunately, we do not have to wait that long to perform those…
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Too Many Black Men Wish to Be White, and That's a Problem the Election Won't End
When attempting to explain, during a university-sponsored book talk a few weeks ago, the difference between truth and honesty to the students, I posed a scenario where Jeff Bezos decided to buy a house on my block and live there. With him as my new neighbor, if you took the newly combined net worth of…
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Why You (Yes, You) Are Broke as Shit and Will Never, Ever, Ever Be Rich So Stop Deluding Yourself, Explained
Wait. What? How can you even say that? How can I even say what? Don’t play dumb. I’m not playing. I’m naturally dumb. (Sigh) How can you—a person who 1) knows nothing about me and 2) knows nothing about the future—say that I will never be rich? Because you won’t be. And I don’t need…
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It's Easier for a White Person in Outer Space to Vote Than a Black Person in America
When first hearing about Kate Rubins, the NASA astronaut who’s currently in a space station 200 miles above Earth but was able to vote last week, I was excitedly curious about the process. Did NASA create a hologram Kate to enter a booth and cast a vote? Did a bewinged USPS truck travel to space…
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Here's a Counterintuitive and Sneakily Delicious Breakfast I Had This Morning
Pictured is a buttermilk pancake and a brussels sprouts bowl. They’re both from a place called The Square Cafe, which used to be in the Regent Square neighborhood in Pittsburgh but recently moved to East Liberty. Although I haven’t eaten inside of a restaurant since March, I still do pick-up orders, and it might be…
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A List of All the Times I Definitely Did Not Cry at All While Watching Inside Out
So Inside Out is a Pixar movie about a kid named Riley and mostly about the intersecting and competing emotions inside of her that exist like a control center in her brain and how all emotions—even the ones like sadness that we’d rather not have—have a symbiotic relationship. It was released in 2015 but I…
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I Too Have Pulled Out Some Peanuts During a Zoom Work Call, and I Don't Get Why Everyone's Mad at Jeffrey Toobin
It was a month ago, I think. Maybe two. Maybe last week. Time is a flat circle. I was on a Zoom call with either the people I don’t need to actually see in order to effectively communicate with them—which is most people. Like eight billion people. Or the people I might actually need to…
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Ice Cube Is Ellis From Die Hard
Do you remember this guy? If you’re my age (41) or older, you probably do. I’m sure Ice Cube does, because he’s old as fuck! If you don’t, his name is Ellis and he’s from a movie called Die Hard. In it, a group of sophisticated terrorists—led by the iconic Hans Gruber—take a building hostage…
