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The Half-Woke CliffsNotes to Homophobia and Misogyny
I never used CliffsNotes. Not because I believed in some uncompromising code of ethics that made me reject shortcuts in favor of hard work and discipline. My mother just wouldn’t let me use them. When I was a rising 10th-grader, I tried to get her to purchase a copy of the CliffsNotes for Albert Camus’…
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White America’s Definitive Code of Conduct for Black Athletes
Recently, black athletes have faced an enormous amount of scrutiny for their untoward behavior. They have continually sullied the regard and expectations of the virtuous masses of the noble, patriotic public by showing contempt for the spectators, fans and America itself. As such, we have assembled one of the whitest teams since (insert hockey team…
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The School for Magical Negroes
Hello, people of color! Are you tired of bearing the burden of walking around as the scary, dark-skinned demon who makes white women clutch their purses in Wal-Mart parking lots and clinch their anuses in elevators? Have you grown weary of candidates for president painting you as a Muslim bogeyman who needs to be expelled…
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White Lives Matter and the Lost Art of Shutting the F Up
I consider myself a practitioner of a dying art form that is slowly disappearing from society. Long before it was an internet acronym or a text message abbreviation, this unique skill was passed down to me as a man who was raised by a single mother in a house with three other sisters. I honestly…
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The Politics of Lying White People and the Black People Who Bear the Burden
The worst whipping I ever received was when I was 8 years old. Among the draconian rules that governed my mom’s house was an archaic list of words she outlawed in the home. Along with the customary cusswords, for some reason, she forbade us from calling any other human being a “liar” or a “dog.” One…
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How to Explain Black Lives Matter to White People
If you haven’t been there yet, you will. Sometime in the near future, you’ll be in the break room at work when Jennifer starts asking questions. (You know Jennifer. She works with all of us. She’s the too-friendly white lady who writes her name on her food, shows you pictures of her cats and touches…
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A Dear John Letter to the Democratic Party
Dear Democratic Party, First, I want to tell you that I appreciate all you’ve done for me, but I have just begun to realize that our relationship is abusive. I know that most relationships are based on what we see our parents do, and I watched mine get stuck in this same kind of toxic…
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That 1 Time Donald Trump Was Right
Are you sitting down? I want to make sure you aren’t standing. I don’t want your knees to buckle or you to hit your head when you faint, because I have never written these words before. In fact, this may be the first time these words have ever been printed on this site: Donald Trump…
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Open Letter to White People Who Are Obsessed With Black-on-Black Crime
Dear Caucasian Brethren, I decided to sit down and write this letter to you because every time I try to have a nuanced conversation with you, I am interrupted by the same shrill refrain. Here is an excerpt from every conversation when I ask you to help me find a solution to a problem: Us:…
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I’m Not With Her Because I’m Petty
Most of my friends who grew up in the South have a story about the time their mothers sent them out to the yard to pick their own switch for a whipping. I do not. My mom summoned me for a spanking once and declared that I had to go outside and pick a switch,…
