Channeling the Spirit of Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms, Drew Brees Just Terrorized Us All With Ashy Red Beans and Rice

Trigger Warning: This article contains graphic details of alleged rice and beans.

Let me preface everything that I’m about to say by admitting that I am by no means a chef. Now that we got that out the way, New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees isn’t either—and I’ve got the unsettling receipts to prove it.

Over on Instagram, the 42-year-old quarterback inexplicably decided to open a portal to hell and unveil his findings to his nearly two million followers. I say that because there’s no way in hell that what you’re about to see was actually a dish—allegedly rice and beans at that—that this wretched culinary terrorist concocted with his own two hands.

“It’s not Monday, but there’s never a bad night for some red beans n rice!” he captioned this dry-ass, brazen violation of the Geneva Conventions.

I know what you’re thinking: “Who the fuck cooks beans in a skillet?”

To which I respond: “Not all white people cook this way. But all people who cook this way are white.”

Don’t quote me on that, though. Like all sage wisdom and deep philosophical proverbs, I read it on Twitter somewhere.

But back to this ashy-ass red beans and rice.

After stumbling upon this horrifying discovery, Twitter had some thoughts after their collective confusion and nausea subsided:

Per usual, there were also Pro-Trump insurrectionists on hand who came to Brees’ defense:

While criminal charges are still pending, hopefully, Brees is brought to justice for this unforgivable sin against cast iron and is penalized to the full extent of the law. This unseasoned treason of the highest form is a blatant attack on the roof of every mouth in America.

Sadly, there is a precedent, set by one Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms, who unleashed this open assault on our democracy back in 2018:

Despite irrefutable evidence, Bottoms was miraculously able to elude impeachment for the creation of this burnt mortar “mac and cheese.” But it is my sincerest hope that Brees won’t be so lucky.

In order to ensure the safety of future generations of Americans, justice must be served.