As a washed black dad myself, Iâm well-versed in all things washed black dad. I wouldnât quite call myself a maven just yetâyou need approximately 12-15 years of washed black dadding to qualifyâbut Iâm close, and I have the sleeping pattern and sensitive toothpaste to prove it.
Anyway, if you have a washed black dad in your life, youâre aware that buying Christmas gifts can be difficult. Not because we have outrageous demands, but because we pretend like we donât want anything. âOh, I just want a nice meal and my family to be safe and happyâ is what the washed black dad tends to say when pressedâas heâs just glad to conclude another year without being shot by the cops. And while this isnât false, itâs more true-adjacent than actually true. The reality is that the washed black dad wants to be thought of while also telling everyone that he doesnât want to be thought of. And if this makes you suspect that the typical washed black dad is secretly a diva, youâre right!
Suggested Reading
So, what do you get for the man who has things, says he doesnât want things, but would appreciate thingsâand would definitely feel a way if he didnât get things? Good question!
Washed black dads love nothing more than to be comfortable while seated somewhere, and what better way to ensure his iron-deficient ass stays warm and cozy than some nice house shoes and a plush-as-fuck robe? Be careful, though, because if the robe is too comfortable this nigga might start wearing it to Target.
Because of the whole âblacks in America donât have wealth because of slavery-based residueâ thing, many washed black dads placed somewhere on the broke spectrum while growing up, and couldnât afford the expensive sneakers some of their classmates had. Now that they finally have enough disposable income to buy them, many washed black dads have become hypebeasts at 37, elbowing 13-year-olds out the way to cop the Jordan 3s theyâve wanted since they were nine.
Unfortunately, they need somewhere to store them, because most washed black dads use the shoeboxes for newspaper clippings and unopened mail from the IRS. Fortunately, The Container Store has a solution to this problem, as their Drop-Front Shoe Box Cases can turn his random pile of sneakers lined against a basement wall into a boutique.
The directions are cool, but washed black dads already swear they know how to get places without them, so that might be a wash. The real purpose of downloading WAZE for them and convincing them to always use it is to get alerts when cops are in the vicinity. Washed black dads are washed because theyâre old. And the best way to get old is to stay alive. And the best way for black men to stay alive is to avoid the police.
Nothing makes the washed black dad happier than espousing senseless and illogical takes comparing todayâs professional athletes to who he grew up watching, and the NBA League Pass gives him a perfect opportunity to feel nostalgic for a time that didnât actually exist.
Washed black dads didnât have time to wait in line during the craze, because you put him in a single location for longer than 17 minutes, and his ass is falling asleep. But now that things have settled, what better way to show your appreciation for him than a big ass piece of white thigh meat slathered in breading and butter?
Straight From 
Sign up for our free daily newsletter.