Dear Daylight Savings Time, You a Whole Asshole Until My Kids Are Older

Most of the United States set their clocks back an hour this past weekend to mark the end of Daylight Savings Time, an invention the white man (no, really, also the first sentence of that article is some pure bullshit) created to apparently save the daylight for the evenings, which to be clear, is nowhere near as important as saving the whales, ta-tas or the Vancouver Island marmot. I hate DST (not to be confused with Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc., an organization I love with my whole heart), with a passion. And this is because I have little children.

Hear this and hear this good, DST is trash for anybody with little children. There was a time when I looked forward to the fall, when DST returns to standard time. The clock falls back, which means I’d either get an extra hour of sleep or more likely I’d get an extra hour of drinking Long Island Ice Teas or Incredible Hulks, dancing the night away at somebody’s club. That shit all changed when my chirrens were born.

Anybody with little kids knows how difficult it is to get them on a sleep schedule. Kids already wake up before the U.S. Army, and the end of DST has them waking up before Jesus. For instance, in my house, my children sleeping in until 7 a.m is the equivalent of child-less people sleeping in until 2 p.m. Most of the time, at least one of my sons is up around 6ish. And actual infants and babies? Two- to three-hour sleep spurts is very common for mothers everywhere and fathers who stay awake with them hoping for the “I’m here for you though I’m useless” points.

Point is, kids wake up early as hell. The end of DST has them waking up even EARLIER. Which would be fine if, ya know, everybody went to sleep an hour or so earlier. But that’s not ever what happens. Parents go to sleep at the regular time, and maybe the kids even do. But kids don’t need sleep, bro. They just don’t. My kids are like iPhones, they just recharge. That’s it. They’re not sleeping for survival, they sleep to be on a hunnid, thousand, trillion when they wake up. Shit, my kids? They don’t even like to get themselves together when they wake up. They go from sleep to shenanigans, immediately. And the end of DST aids in that, like a whole ass ho.

Instead of doing this at 6 a.m., they’re doing this at fuckin’ 5 a.m. or even earlier. Those first few days after DST ends are like Asshole Christmas Morning meets Groundhog’s Day over and over. And real talk—for why? Why come you even exist? We aren’t an agrarian society anymore. Do I need it to be lighter earlier? Does it make my day better? Does it make your day better? I’d rather it be lighter later than earlier.

Apparently, I’m not alone either. There are several articles telling you how to live your best life during this time and maintain your health, etc. Why we still do this is beyond me, but those of us with little ones are annoyed E’RYTIME. Even in the spring when DST begins and the clocks spring ahead, it throws things off. The only difference is that it doesn’t wake your kids up earlier with more playtime. Fall though? Bruh, kids get a whole extra-ass hour of playtime, and in case you don’t know, kids love playing with their parents. Puzzles. Dinosaurs. ‘Rassic Park. Cook. All fun games, but every game sucks at 5 a.m. except to children.

I’d like to petition the world to cut the shit with the hour fallback until my kids get older. We don’t need it. Not every state in America nor does every country even acknowledge it, so we’re just fucking up billing, travel schedules to accommodate what exactly??

Also, if you have decided that DST positively impacts your life, well, have some kids homie…or be a parent that actually takes care of your little people. Shit sucks.

I’m tired now, dammit. Now, when my kids are old enough to sleep in, then we good. But until then, DST you a whole asshole.