Dear Drivers Who Veer Left to Turn Right, I Hate You. WTF Is Wrong With You?

This goes out to you and you — you know who you are, so stop me if you’ve heard this one before. You’re driving along a thoroughfare, minding your own business. Maybe you’re even listening to your favorite true-crime podcast as you venture into work, traffic court, or to that Brazilian wax appointment you’ve been putting off. It doesn’t matter where you’re going; it just matters that I’ll see you when you get there.

You mosey on up towards an intersection. There’s probably a person on a corner running in place as they wait for the white man in the black box to tell them it’s okay to cross. There’s a right turn lane, and you’re in the lane next to it on the left. There is a car that is fixin’ to turn right. What do they do?

Those ingrates swerve, or veer left, in order to turn right, damn near hitting you in the process, putting your precious car (maybe you named your car DeLonte) in harm’s way unnecessarily. You yell vicious rhetorics at them even though you know they’ll never hear your scathing words. They drive off into the wind, never the wiser that their assholish tendency towards attempted vehicular tort ruined your whole shit for at least two to three minutes.

That happened to me this morning on my way to drop my daughter off at school. Some person in a car that wasn’t even big enough to need to fuckin’ turn left to turn right just couldn’t help themselves. I wished a pox on them, two poxes, in fact. I hope they get them.

Seriously, why do people do this? I drive a vehicle bigger than most non-commercial vehicles on the road, and I never have to veer left to turn right to have enough clearance to safely make the turn. I’m sure there’s some science behind this, maybe even a terrible article entitled something like: “People Who Need to Turn Left In Order to Turn Right Are Better at Washing Dishes Than Those Who Don’t.” Don’t smirk at me; given the crap I see online about folks who suck at various things that actually gives them a leg up on life anyway, that’s not far-fetched.

But for serious (again), what is the need for this? Why does this happen? Do folks doing this know they’re inconsiderate as.the.fuck? And where is the Honeycomb Hideout? Inquiring minds would like to know.

I’m sure I’ll never get an answer to this question that sufficiently suffices, so I’ll just spend my days sputtering along until the next person almost hits my car and forces me into a verbal tirade because in their mind the concept of a right turn involves a left turn as well. Turning should not be a Rubik’s cube; it should be a beach chair.

What? Exactly. Makes no sense right? Just like that damn method of turning.

Thank you, and good night. But stop that shit!

Okay, thank you, for real this time.