Devin ‘the Douche’ Nunes Will Sit Out Russia Investigation

Devin Nunes, the guy from your fourth-grade class who actually wrote down the names of the people who talked when the teacher was out of the room, will step down from his post as chair of the House of Representatives’ Intelligence Committee investigation into how Russia stole the election for His Excellency Donald “Assistant Putin” Trump.

Nunes had been feeling pressure to step down because he has ostensibly been fraternizing with the very group he is supposed to be investigating, which is a law-enforcement no-no (except for Ferguson, Mo., grand juries). When Trump accused President Barack Obama of climbing the walls of Trump Tower in a Spider-Man suit to tap his phones, Nunes struggled to defend Donald Dimwit, telling reporters: “The president is a neophyte to politics. He’s been doing this a little over a year. And I think a lot of the things that he says, you guys sometimes take literally.” Nunes went on to say, “I don’t think we should attack the president for tweeting.”

A few hours later, Nunes made a secret rendezvous to the White House in which he switched cars halfway through. Reports have verified that he either met a secret White House staffer to review confidential surveillance data or hooked up with Steve Bannon for a booty call (that last part might not yet be confirmed). Nunes also canceled intelligence hearings to prevent former acting Attorney General Sally Yates from testifying against the Trump administration. He has obfuscated what is supposed to be an unbiased investigation at every turn, but now he has recused himself from the committee.

When asked how she felt about it, Auntie Maxine Waters simply commented: