Everything You Wanted to Know About the Beyoncé Babies but Were Afraid to Ask

The entire world got a case of the vapors yesterday when word spread that Beyoncé is pregnant with twins. However, there are still some people who are clueless about this situation. If we are to come together as a nation—as the Declaration of Independence states—there are some truths we must find to be self-evident. And among these are life, liberty and the recognition that Beyoncé is the shit.

To foster better understanding and bridge the cultural divide (by the way, whatever happened to that bridge Chrisette Michele said she was building by singing at the inauguration?), we decided to fill in the gaps for you by answering all your questions about this subject.

Who is Beyoncé?

Nigga, don’t play.

For the sake of answering all the questions, let’s start with the basics. Who is Beyoncé? 

For God so loved the world that he poured beauty, love and whatever-Krispy Kremes-are-made-of into human form and brought it to existence through the vessels of Mathew and Tina Knowles. And he bestowed upon it all of his gifts.

And it was good.

Why is everyone so excited about her this time?

On Wednesday she released this Instagram post:

Who took the photo?

Some people say is was taken at a Sears or J.C. Penney portrait studio. Others postulate that the photographer who took pictures in front of the airbrushed Champagne-and-dollar-bills backdrop at every nightclub snapped the photo.

I believe it was part of a school art project for Blue Ivy.

Why is she wearing a veil?

Some think it symbolizes the renewal of her vows to her husband. Others say it means she is pronouncing death to all her haters. It might simply be a way to diffuse the light from her face. I don’t think that’s a veil. I think Blue Ivy draped a mosquito net over her mama’s hair.

The things mothers do for their kids.

And the flowers?

Flowers are a symbol of fertility, life and rebirth—although if you’ve ever been to a black funeral, you recognize those flowers. When my Uncle Junior passed, we bought him that same arrangement.

The caption is pretty vague. Are you sure it’s a pregnancy announcement?

Did you not see the baby bump? What else could it be?

Maybe she ate a little too much.

Beyoncé doesn’t eat too much. She consumes only musical notes wrapped in kale leaves, seasoned with salt condensed from the tears of old Destiny’s Child members.

Tina Knowles, Beyoncé’s mother, confirmed the news.

Beyoncé cannot gain weight. Once Beyoncé reached her target weight, she said “Stop,” and since then, carbs and calories no longer have an effect on her.

Doesn’t Beyoncé already have a child? If so, then why is everyone so excited? 

Because … Beyoncé. And it’s twins! This is monumental because Beyoncé never does the same thing twice! There are some lame pop stars (*cough* Ciara) still having babies one at a time the old way, but Queen Bey does not have time for that. Yoncé is always on that new shit.

Plus, there is a crazy conspiracy theory that Beyoncé was never pregnant and Blue Ivy was carried by a surrogate, which makes this her first child(ren). Beyoncé is America’s sweetheart, so everyone is ecstatic about—

Wait. Can you back up a bit? Did you just say there are conspiracy theories about Beyoncé?

Yes. There is an entire segment of the internet dedicated to Beyoncé conspiracies, including the accusation that she is a member of the Illuminati, that Solange is actually Beyoncé’s daughter and that Beyoncé is actually a 50-year old grandmother (we know black don’t crack, but damn).

Beyoncé has reached a level of fame reserved for presidents, astronauts and biblical characters—so people have created a mythology and conspiracy theories around her. She’s so famous that she made a Kmart photo booth picture the most liked photo ever on Instagram. (To be fair, when Mary had baby Jesus, the three wise men only uploaded the pics to Snapchat.)

Why now?

Because she is finished with her record-breaking Formation World Tour and can take some time off to be a mother while writing and recording the follow-up to the white-tears-inducing Lemonade album. I am sure that as soon as she gives birth to Black Rose and Violet Violet (by the way, are Bey’s offspring technically “Destiny’s Grandchildren”?), she’ll be out on tour the next day with no baby fat, wearing 8-inch stilettos and a onesie with her stomach out. Beyoncé does not have time for stretch marks and postpartum depression; she came to slay.

Actually, the real reason for the timing of this pregnancy is that Beyoncé wanted to have this baby before she loses her Obamacare.

Why is no one talking about Jay Z in all of this?

Jay Z is a billionaire rock star who gets to have sex with Beyoncé. I think he’ll be OK.

Is this hype over Beyoncé a distraction?

I’m glad you asked, because there are many people who feel that the excitement surrounding the Beyoncé news is overblown. They say that some of us act like we get a percentage of Beyoncé’s check, or we’re excited like Jigga might let us babysit. They think it’s manufactured to distract us from … I don’t know, because it is an idiotic argument.

Black people are not that stupid. We can celebrate Beyoncé while simultaneously fighting Donald Trump, racism and the upcoming uptick in diabetes strokes caused by the Naked Chicken Chalupa.

Maybe Beyoncé’s baby bump is a momentary reprieve, but we’ve always been able to clap on beat and swing fists at the same time. Don’t act like we didn’t sing freedom songs while planning slave rebellions. We danced to James Brown while we were marching. Beyoncé is basically America’s girlfriend. Can we please have a reprieve from our stone-faced stoicism to smile for our future nieces or nephews? Even if you aren’t a Beyoncé fan, at least admit this:

Blue Ivy is gonna get an A on that art project.