General Defends Critical Race Theory in the Military Against Rep. Matt Gaetz. Nobody Defended Gaetz Against Twitter, Though

On Wednesday, elected officials and military officials met for a House Armed Services Committee hearing to discuss the 2022 Defense Department budget—at least that’s what it would have been if Rep. Matt Gaetz and other Republicans weren’t so hellbent on turning it into an anti-Critical Race Theory interrogation as if they felt the Defense Department’s main concern should be defending white people’s fragile-ass feelings. Fortunately, there was a top military general present at the meeting to poignantly address Gaetz’ concerns.

NPR reports that the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Mark Milley, took the time to respond to the guy who would be more concerned with studies on Critical Paying-for-Sex-With-Minors Theory if he had his priorities straight.

“I do think it’s important for those of us in uniform to be open-minded and to be widely read, and the United States Military Academy is a University,” Milley said. “And it is important that we train and understand. And I want to understand white rage, and I’m white, and I want to understand it. So what is it that caused thousands of people to assault this building and try to overturn the Constitution of the United States of America? What caused that? I want to find that out.”

Already, Milley is being nicer than he needed to be. You don’t have to study CRT to understand what happened during the Caucasian Can’t-Coup-Right rebellion at the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6—you just have to understand that Republicans be lying and their constituents are idiots. Anyway, carry on, General.

“I’ve read Mao Zedong. I’ve read Karl Marx. I’ve read Lenin. That doesn’t make me a communist. So what is wrong with understanding—having some situational understanding about the country for which we are here to defend?” Milley continued. “And I personally find it offensive that we are accusing the United States military, our general officers, our commissioned, noncommissioned officers of being, quote, ‘woke’ or something else, because we’re studying some theories that are out there.”

Yeeeeah—it’s a good thing I was never a military general. I couldn’t have been on the stand and been this composed responding to Gaetz’s bullshit.

Here’s me during that hearing:

“Well, Rep...publican R. Kelly—sorry, I mean Rep. Gaetz—here’s the thing: Shut the fuck up!

How does your GOProposition-a-teen ass even still have a job? Bro, you are the Meryn Trant of Congress. Look bitch, we study Critical Race Theory here—get the fuck over it! We study all the damn theories—the Theory of Evolution, the Theory of Relativity, the theory that age-appropriate women give you the heebee jeebees—all of the theories, sir.

You know what? I ain’t got time for this. I’m trying to get out of here and beat traffic—much like you’re trying to beat sex trafficking allegations. I’m out!”

Anyway, Matt Who-Let-the-Girls-Out-the Gaetz took to Twitter to shade Milley for his response and—booooy, that shit didn’t go well for him.

“With Generals like this it’s no wonder we’ve fought considerably more wars than we’ve won,” he tweeted. The responses were priceless.

This first one gets my chef’s kiss.

Not everyone honed in on the fact that Gaetz is (allegedly) the Roman Polanski of Republican asswipes; some people went in on the fact Gaetz’s ass never served in the military and thus doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.

Of course, others went all the way in and commented on both.

The moral of the story here is simple: If your legacy includes you drowning in sex trafficking and underage sex allegations, it behooves you to shut the fuck up about literally everything else—because you’re about to get dragged.