Here's Some Songs, Presented Today for No Reason Whatsoever, About PHAD (Presumably Hard-Ass Dicks)

1. “Too Close” Next

Was a very popular club song in college. I don’t listen to the words of R&B songs, so didn’t realize it was about hard dicks until years later. Many years later. Too many years later. Like last year.

2. “Magic Stick” 50 Cent

3. “Dogshit” Ol’ Dirty Bastard

Another college-related memory is the look on the team chaplain’s face that time we played this in the locker room. Both horrified and curious. Curified. Horrious.

4. “Wildflower” Ghostface Killa

5. “Mr. Bozack” EPMD

6. “Jimmy” Boogie Down Productions

7. “Put It In Your Mouth” Akineke

8. “Mr Big Dick” Schooly D

9. “Whole Lotta Love” Led Zeppelin

10. “My Ding-a-Ling” Chuck Berry

“Ding-a-Ling” is the second funniest word for “penis,” next to “schlong.” “Member” is the least.

11. “Lollipop” Lil Wayne

12. “Wait” (The Whisper Song) Ying Yang Twins

13. “My Dick, My Sac” Too Short

14. “Chocolate Salty Balls” Isaac Hayes

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

15. “A Big Hunk O’ Love” Elvis Presley

16. “Soft & Wet” Prince

17. “Pushin’ Inside of You” Sons of Funk

18. “Big Ten Inch Record” Aerosmith

There are so many rock ‘n’ roll songs about dicks that it should be called, um, Dick ‘n’ Roll. (Actually, apparently Cock ‘n’ Roll is an actual term that people use. I learned so much about dick songs today.)

19. “Dick in a Box” The Lonely Island  

20. “I’m in It” Kanye West

21. “Make Her Say” Kid Cudi

22. “Brain” N.E.R.D.

23. “Too Many Dicks On The Dance Floor” Flight of the Concords

24. “Suck It or Not” Cam’Ron

25. “Horse and Carriage” Cam’Ron

Another song I didn’t realize was about dicks until years later. My ear for dick songs needs some work!

26. “Just Don’t Bite It” N.W.A.

27. “Slob on My Knob” Tear da Club Up Thugs

28. “HED” N.O.R.E.

The song is memorable because of Nature’s hook—which reminds me that, for an eight-month span in 1998, I thought Nature was all the best parts of Nas and Jay-Z put together. I also drink a lot of Mountain Dew that year.

29. “Dead Wrong” Notorious B.I.G.

30. “Walk on the Wild Side” Lou Reed

31. “Whistle” Flo Rida

I will never forgive myself for researching songs about dicks this morning, discovering that this song exists, and willingly listening to Flo Rida in 2020.

32. “Untitled” (How Does It Feel) D’Angelo

33. “Whatz Ya Phone #” 2Pac

34. “Strokin” Clarence Carter

35. “Pony” Ginuwine

I remembered this video being nothing but women on mechanical horses. But after rewatching it, there are only two women on the horses. Most of the video is just Ginuwine air-humping on stage while an arbitrarily diverse group of bar patrons order appetizers. I love the ‘90s.

***Safaree made an addition to this sizable canon today, with his “WAP’-inspired remix “B.A.D.” These niggas need hobbies!***