How to Write a Donald Trump Speech

President Asshat has never been an orator. In fact, aside from his popular catchphrase “You’re fired” “Grab ’em by the pussy,” I don’t know if he’s ever said anything remotely memorable. Most of his public appearances in his first two weeks in office have appeared to be off-the-cuff. But besides the universal connection of hate and white supremacy, I think what makes him most endearing to his base is that he isn’t polished or practiced. He tends to say whatever he believes, no matter how crazy it sounds; but he does have talking points and speechwriters.

So, with limited material to work with—the man tweets more than he speaks—I think I’ve already cracked the code on how to craft a Donald Trump speech.

Always start with how awesome you are. Talk about anything you’ve done here that reminds people of just how amazing you’ve been and how lucky they are to have you. Talk about how you destroyed Hillary Clinton in the election, even though you didn’t win the popular vote. Don’t get stuck there. No matter what you do, don’t get caught up in facts. Say anything that makes you look even more awesome than you are. You want to come out strong, and this isn’t the time to be humble.

Again, don’t get caught up in facts here. The plan is to scare the living shit out of everyone so that they remember how fucking awesome you are. Think 24—and not the new black-guy 24, but the old Kiefer Sutherland 24. That’s you. So own it. Use “bad dudes” if you can find a way to slip it in there. Hide your xenophobia behind the terror. Mention only radical Islamic attacks and avoid all white nationalist terrorism because that doesn’t make you look as awesome. Remember, Kiefer only fought Muslims, so you must do the same.

This is important. Every time you get a chance, call any news station that prints anything you don’t like “fake news.” Always find a way to slip this in. It’s best if the news that you mention is relevant to the topic, but truthfully, you can just break into this as a diatribe at any time. Pit yourself against the so-called fake-news media. Tell the room—doesn’t matter what room—that the media is trying to warp their brains with their foolishness but that you have the real truth. It’s best if you can combine any of the above into a crescendo of media bashing.

Trump exhibited this beautifully during his speech with a coalition of representatives and senior U.S. military commanders at Tampa, Fla.’s MacDill Air Force Base on Monday.

After walking through a list of terrorist attacks by radical Islamists—I mean literally rehashing every terror attack from 9/11 to the Paris nightclub attacks to the truck massacre in Nice, France—he then worked seamlessly into an unsupported narrative about the media.

“It’s gotten to a point where it’s not even being reported. And in many cases, the very, very dishonest press doesn’t want to report it. They have their reasons, and you understand that,” Trump said.

And, if all this fails, freestyle; literally just make shit up and repeat the last words more than once. Say phrases that are hard to pull apart, like “major stuff,” and then repeat them or use words close to them—“big stuff,” “yuge stuff”—to give yourself enough time to repeat the first three steps.