It’s Time to Stop Pretending Candy Corn Is Actually Edible Food

Updated 10/4/23 at 3:30 p.m. ET:

My distaste for candy corn is well-known. Just keep reading. The main issue with the candy is the weird aftertaste that lingers when you eat one piece. It’s like a houseguest that stays way too long. Making matters worse are the seasonal flavors that frequently roll out this time of year. To once again highlight my extreme hatred for candy corn, I’m examining a few of these unbelievable abominations, so you can avoid them in the supermarket.

With NFL and college football taking over everyone’s weekends, tailgating is America’s leading pastime right now. Nowhere in the tailgate playbook has anyone ever asked for candy corn with the flavors of hot dog, hamburger, popcorn, fruit punch and vanilla ice cream. These are delicious foods, why mess them up with horrid candy corn.

Chocolate is one of the most versatile, delicious ingredients on Earth. It goes with everything. Well, everything except candy corn. Harvest Corn is regular candy corn mixed with cocoa powder. Brach’s says it’s good for baking, but if you put this in a cake or cookies, you hate your friends and family.

As if candy corn wasn’t bad enough, Brach’s decided to pair it with Harvest Corn and pumpkin mellowcreme in some weird terrible candy mix.

I can’t guarantee that you’ll find these, as seasonal candies come and go from year to year. However, if you like M&Ms, white chocolate and candy corn, I guess these are right up your alley. The rest of us will stick with classic, peanut, fudge brownie, or caramel.

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We need to talk about an issue that’s been plaguing our society for far too long. It’s time we, as a planet, finally come together and rid this world of candy corn.

Yes, I said candy corn. I know some of you like it, but here’s the thing: you’re wrong.

Every October, we have to deal with the return of this Halloween “treat” as store shelves are suddenly inundated with a variety of candy corn-flavored products like marshmallows, cupcakes or ice cream. Why would you ruin perfectly good ice cream with this nonsense? And aren’t marshmallows sweet enough already? Did we really need to add candy corn to them?

According to History, candy corn was created with a bunch of other agricultural-themed candies in the 1880s but it didn’t become synonymous with Halloween until the ‘50s. OK, but there are plenty of bad things from the ‘50s we’ve gotten rid of. It’s past time for us to rise up and fight this evil. There’s no getting around it, candy corn is just terrible. On its own, it’s the worst thing you’ve ever eaten. Add in specialty flavors like hot dog, hamburger or turkey dinner, and it’s a terrible hell demon that some mystical spell can only kill.

And yeah, hot dog-flavored candy corn—which I swear is actually a thing—sounds God awful. Did they make it from day-old hot dog water? Is this what happens to the hot dogs that get stuck in the conveyor belt? Who asked for this?

No one. That’s who.

I haven’t tried it, but I guarantee it has an aftertaste that never goes away no matter how many times you brush your teeth.

Honestly, wasn’t classic candy corn bad enough? Every year these new ridiculous flavors and products get rolled out and we all laugh, but seriously, why are we still doing this? Candy corn has zero redeeming qualities. I guess the sugar is enticing for some, but unlike Snickers, M&Ms, or Skittles, there’s no flavor to it. If you give this out to trick-or-treaters, it just means you hate kids.

In closing, I’m sorry if I’ve just ruined your favorite Halloween treat, but I can’t understand how with all the amazing candy choices in the world, why are we continuing to tolerate the existence of candy corn? I’m not the only one who feels this way, so let’s get that anti-candy corn campaign started immediately.