Love & Hip Hop Atlanta Season 5, Episode 3 Recap

Even a broken clock is right twice a day. And even our favorite bogus “reality” show accidentally touches the truth once in a while, as Love and Hip Hop Atlanta Season 5 proved Monday night with an episode brought to us by the letter #frfr. This week’s journey into black shame shed light on some of the most pressing questions of our time – namely, who believes Scrappy can launch their modeling career and how does Tammy have all these fucks to give about her husband’s reputation when nig ain’t even in rotation at the skating rink? (Answers: Nobody and priorities effed up.)

Still no answer to when the Dominicans will finally defeat the terrorism that is Scrapp’s despondent “hair,” but one day at a time.

This week’s minstrel  episode opens with Tammy in mid-yool on Betty Idol, whose brawl game is apparently about as tight as her weave – which is to say not very, evidenced as an indignant Betty shrieks “She pulled out my hair!” before speeding away in a minivan. Better she yank your hair than your tuck girl! (Disclaimer: As sitting Team Lesbun VP of Oral Affairs, I’m not shading The Kids. However, Betty Idol wears me, so I’ll be coming for her female illusion steez weekly.)  D. Smith sat over there lookin’ all oblong-faced  and confused the entire time Tammy was playing bobaloo on that child’s head – a detail that eludes Mrs. Waka, who initially remains intent on getting Grace ‘Mones to model her imaginary fashions.

Enter Waka Flocka “Why Am I Here Again” Flame, who interrupts Tammy’s retelling of the Idol Incident with a frank question: Why would anybody spend their free time talking about people who don’t matter? #Truth. But no shade,  you’re challenging the entire premise of the show so hush up before your check evaporates like your record deal. Tammy makes plans to invite D. Smith to her Black Men’s Magazine cover release party  to prove how classy she and her husband truly are (you go girl – that’s EXACTLY how Jackie Kennedy did it!) but the effort blows up in her face when Smith skips the cover reveal (missing out on Deb Antney’s truly spectacular Willona Woods Collection reversible wig) and shows up to a post-party coffee tawk just long enough to tell Tammy she doesn’t need her or her Rainbow Couture fashion. Tammy responds by telling Smith she didn’t fuck with her crooked wig too tough anyway, and walking off into the sunset. Girl, what just happened? Not sure, but Smith’s ain’t shit quotient tripled in my book.

Elsewhere in Decatur, Jessica Dime and Tiarra meet up for one of those foodless dinners that LAHHATL is so fond of. The women compare notes on the bar ambush meeting that led to bloodshed at the White Party, with Dime taking pains to clarify that she didn’t really know Tommie and them,  and was basically along for the ride. That ain’t what you said when that dark likka was pouring! It’s the ones that smoke blunts witcha…

Tiarra gets all in her feels explaining that she held Scrapp down while he was in jail and is heartbroken that he’s playin’ her. When she confidently announces that Scrapp has made plans to “fix it”, Dime warns that she should “never trust a man who says trust me.”  #Truth. Girl, you betta listen to that skrippa knowledge!  But Tiarra doesn’t. And the stage is set for another Tiarra/Tommie clash in the not too distant future.

Stevie J is back this season, continuing his reign of facial ticks and career uncertainty. In some ol’ circle-of-slutbucket-life shit, he’s positioned as Scrapp’s uncle and mentor in managing skeezas. He meets with Scrapp at a cigar bar to talk about absolutely nothing and later, checks in with Mimi, who shares the deets on her thesbian status.  Nobody cares.

Also still here is Scrappy, who pops up long enough to get cussed out by Betty Idol and ex-girlfriend Bambi. Le Bam is pissed that Idol has been beefin’ with her homegirl (?) Tammy. Idol is annoyed that Scrappy wants her to apologize to keep the peace. Scrappy ultimately severs ties with Betty, but not before Le Bam pops up at his house to confront him and ponder aloud how the hell he’s a model scout and what the hell he needs an assistant for? No shade, no read but #TRUUUUUTH!

Mona Scott’s subtle (el.oh.el.) foreboding comes to a head in the episode finale, yet another meet-n-beat between Scrapp, Sexy Brown Tiarra and Tommie, who comes pumpin’ around the corner in a high-cut, space-aged ho-robe that I suspect would be what prostitutes wore if there was a stroll on the USS Enterprise. The conversation initially seems headed in a positive direction as – in this episode’s last glorious moment of truth – both women realize Scrapp primarily wants to broker a faux peace between them to ease his own stress over a pending jail sentence and maintain a dual stream of cooch. Sadly, just when it seems like the two will finally abandon the destitute, sinking ship that is Scrapp, Tommie inexplicably shifts into her best Tony Montana impression and starts hurling snarls and assorted insults at Tiarra. Tiarra cross-table lunges, and is quickly thwarted by Mona’s paid muscle. And scene.

Ironically, since filming wrapped, Scrapp has been sentenced to 20 years, making this fight pretty pointless: In the end, there will be plenty of time for both women to put money on his books. Look at white gawd movin’!