Opinion
Opinion
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Intentionally Bad Tippers Are Trash People You Should Never Trust, and There Are No Exceptions to This Rule
One of the most underrated parts of a) adulthood and b) being an adult with an occupation that allows for some flexibility on where I’m able to work is that I don’t have to spend much time around people I don’t fuck with. No asshole 11th grader I have to catch the school bus with each…
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Donald Trump Is America's Greatest President
As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. – H.L.…
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The University of Virgina Hired a Trump Staffer Days Before the Charlottesville Anniversary and, as an Alum, I’m Okay With That
It’s been over a year and America pretty much knows who Donald Trump is. He’s racist. (Full stop). He’s selling us out to the Russians and big business, and he’s a habitual, unadulterated, unfiltered, premium draft, liar. Either you’re down with his Forever 21 white nationalist authoritarian regime, or you’re not. At this point, most…
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Texas Shouldn't Execute Chris Young for Murder Even Though He Is Guilty of the Crime [Updated]
Updated: Monday, July 17, 2018; 3:53 EDT: When I wrote this piece, I was not aware that, according to court records, Chris Young sexually assaulted a woman in front of her three children at gun point the morning before the murder. Gunpoint. Three children. I have no words. That act is evil; the man who did…
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We Don't Trust the Criminal Justice System Until It Clears a Black Man of Sexual Assault. Then We're All In
In what I imagine will eventually be a very regretful decision on her part, Angela Rye—noted #BlackGirlMagic trumpeter, public speaker, CNN contributor and women’s empowerment scion—decided to jump out the window in defense of her “brother,” Charlamagne Tha God (CTG). Through Instagram comments that referenced resurfacing allegations that CTG drugged and raped a then-15-year-old girl…
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According to Forbes' Calculations, I'm the Next Self-Made Billionaire,' Not Kylie Jenner
Although many people found it curious when Forbes magazine referred to Kylie Jenner as the woman on-deck to become the youngest ever “self-made billionaire,” I found the claim to be 100 percent believable. Because, after reviewing every possible method of Forbe’s valuation, I determined that I, too, am worth $899 million. Others, including comedian and…
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5 Super Smug-Ass Types of People Who Need To Cut the Shit
Smug is a funny word. It’s a word whose definition does it no real justice. But what is the definition? Glad you asked. Smug is an adjective that means having or showing an excessive pride in oneself or one’s achievements. You know the type, the folks who are super duper self-satisfied and feel superior in…
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Cops Are White People's Cousins
Most of the time, life reveals the truth with a gradual slowness that allows us to grasp difficult concepts. But on a rare occasion, the universe will take mud and make itself a brick with the sole purpose of hurling it at your head. The following is an approximate excerpt from a conversation I had…
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I've Been Family-Free for a Whole Week and I've Discovered How Boring That Can Be
Becoming a parent is a life-changing event. Nothing is the same after your child is born and I mean literally the moment they’re born. Everyday from that moment forward starts to look different and gradually separates it from even the life that existed the day before their birth. My daughter was born in 2009. I…
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Rich White People Shunning Other Rich White People For Supporting Donald Trump Is Hilarious
Alan Dershowitz is a white, Jewish defense attorney who is famous for having served on the OJ Simpson “Dream Team.” Seeing as we all know how white people feel about OJ being acquitted for the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, you would think that particular part of his personal history would be…