Some Thoughts
Some Thoughts
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10 Things Everyone Loves but I Pretty Much Hate
So thereās an unpopular opinion prompt thing going around Facebookāwhere youāre asked to list 10 things everyone loves but you kinda hate. I sometimes get annoyed with these sort of things because people donāt follow the rules and just start listing things that everyone hates (ā1. funerals.ā), but thankfully people havenāt been doing that with…
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How to Be a Successful Writer in 2020
Itās a question Iām asked during book talks, while signing books after said talks, on panels, in emails, through DMs, at happy hours, and even once in between games at LA Fitness. I try to be as transparent as possible, but the honest answer (āI can tell you what worked for me, but thereās no…
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Are We Obligated to Snitch on and Publicly Shame Coronavirus Deniers?
If youāre the type of person who believes, for instance, that AIDS can be cured with paprika, your belief is definitely dangerous, and you probably need some lotion. But because the Venn diagram of āpeople who think mailboxes cause diabetesā and āpeople living in their auntās basements who still write their names on their orange…
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A Social Distancing Silver Lining? The Complete Eradication of Small Talk
If you know me, it shouldnāt be a shock to you that this social distancing thing feels specifically tailored for meā-a bespoke social mandate. (If you donāt know me, Iām a Capricorn and apparently an INTJ; distinctions that greatly matter to the people they matter to, and donāt mean shit to anyone else.) Of course…
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You're Working From Home, Stressed, and Want to Defeat the Coronavirus? Masturbate!
In just the past 24 hours, the NBA suspended its season, the NCAA suspended most conference tournaments (and, by the time you read this, might have already postponed the NCAA tournament), countless schools and universities have shuttered their campuses, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson revealed that they have the coronavirus, and we were collectively reminded,…
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Donald Trump Will NOT Catch the Coronavirus, So Don't Pray For It to Happen or Try to Speak It Into Existence
Iām not quite sure when exactly it happened, but at some point in the past week my coronavirus-related anxiety shifted from āthis is a thing I should think about, I guessā to āthis is a thing I should actively worry about.ā Even if weāre able to effectively contain the spread of it, it now seems…
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My Life as a Black Who Flies First Class
āWhat do you call a black man in first class?ā I asked the gate agent, as I stood first in the first-class line, so I could be first in first class. I like to be first in first class, so I can sit first and watch all the white people watching me, the black man…
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10 Reasons Why Inviting White People to the Mythical 'Cookout' Is Stupid and Silly and Needs to Stop Forever
1. Because itās stupid and silly. 2. Because youāre fucking goofy for thinking this is cool. 3. Because cookout meat is precious and sacred and not meant to be shared with interlopers, gentrifiers, and Travis Fucking Kelce. 4. Because the bar for what constitutes ācookout invitesā is lower than Rush Limbaughās life expectancy. 5. Because…
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To Trayvon, on Your 25th Birthday
Dear Trayvon, Today would have been your 25th birthday and, as I write this letter, I am listening to Aretha Franklin sing āNever Grow Old.ā If I was predisposed to a belief in an eternal paradise, I would imagine that Queen Aretha hummed this hymn when she spotted you at her welcoming ceremony. Perhaps she…
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Black History, According to White People
Mithridates the Great was one of the Roman Empireās greatest foes and claimed to be a descendant of Alexander the Great, who died by poisoning. Mithridatesā father died from poison. His father died from poison. His mother tried to poison him. Needless to say, Mithridates the Great was obsessed with poison. So, the king created…