Some Thoughts
Some Thoughts
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Trashcan Lannister Attempts to Dunk on Joe Biden While Nation Anxiously Waits for Her to Get COVID-19 Too
Early this morning, backslid humanoid Termite Listeriosis emerged from her deep slumber on a dumpster in an outhouse adjoined to a Barbie Dream Trap House to remind the world that a) she still exists and b) probably shouldn’t. Decades from now, when Torrential Laceration’s brain is devoted to science, perhaps we’ll finally understand the psychosis…
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President Trump's Health Is Reportedly Much Worse Than the White House Indicated. Here's Some Sneakers I Own.
These are really comfortable. These too. These are fun. I love the gold here. Classic.
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If You're Happy President Trump Tested Positive for COVID-19, You're Just as Bad as He Is
Regardless of my feelings about his politics, Donald Trump is a human first. A husband. A father. An uncle. An American. And today I am deeply saddened by the news that both he and his wife, Melania, have tested positive for COVID-19. Yes, he is an abhorrent person who has said and done terrible things.…
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Actually No, Kyrie. You Weren't the Best Option for Every Team You've Played for Down the Stretch
I want to preface everything I’m about to say by acknowledging the fact that Kyrie Irving is really fucking good at basketball. He’s got one of the coldest handles in the history of the league, he’s an explosive scorer from damn near anywhere on the floor and it’s virtually impossible for defenders to stay in…
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You Don't Need to Pull Your Mask Down to Talk to Me. You Don't Need to Pull Your Mask Down to Talk to Me. You Don't Need to…
…pull your mask down to talk to me. You don’t need to pull your mask down to talk to me. You don’t need to pull your mask down to talk to me. You don’t need to pull your mask down to talk to me. You don’t need to pull your mask down to talk to…
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America Ain't Better Than This
I forget exactly how old I was. Maybe 9. Maybe 10. It was summer. A Sunday. Dad and I were preparing to spend the day at the hoop courts behind Reizenstein—him running full on the main court with the rest of the oldheads, and me doing Mikans and playing 33 on side hoops with whichever…
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A List of Broke-Ass Shit Still Less Broke Than Y'all's Broke-Ass President
1. Lonzo Ball’s jump shot 2. The Pittsburgh Public School System 3. The Kardashians, if they lived in a world where spicy-ish white girls weren’t catnip to thirsty niggas 4. Me, at 26 5. Actually, me until like 17 minutes ago 6. The clippers that Rajon Rondo’s bubble barber must’ve used 7. The Barksdale family…
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If You Thought It'd Be Fun to Get a Toothache and See a Dentist During a Pandemic, Guess What? It's Not!
I know, I know, I know. Staying socially distant during COVID is quite the drag, and you thought it would be new and exciting and fun to have one of the wisdom teeth you actually planned to extract in April—but couldn’t because COVID—get infected. You already walked all the steps, streamed all the shows, and…
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Daniel Cameron’s Tears Were a Job Application
Of course, the tears Kentucky Attorney General Daniel Cameron shed during his press conference this afternoon were a lie. They were also an audition. The audience he was performing for—the people he’s been speaking to with his body language, his haircut, his intonation, his choice of wife, and his wedding date—witnessed both the sort of hollow…
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The Joker's Plan in The Dark Knight Was Dependent on Expected Brutality From a 'Good' Cop
The success of The Joker’s numerous schemes in The Dark Knight is dependent on a medley of greed, corruption, stupidity, and mostly collective late-stage astigmatism. Blowing up Gotham General, for instance, requires the thousands of nurses and doctors and orderlies and janitors and cafeteria workers and patients and patients’ families in the hospital to either…