PETA’s #PetLivesMatter Super Bowl Ad Is so White, Even the NFL Is Like: ‘Come On, Son!’

I changed my mind. White people are better.

If you, like me, resisted the idea of white supremacy, there is now indisputable scientific proof of Caucasian exceptionalism. While white people have long lagged behind the world in the areas of potato salad-making, on-beat clapping and dispensing equality, the marketing team at the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals recently provided irrefutable evidence that people who prefer mayonnaise to hot sauce are superior in one specific area:

White people are the undisputed heavyweight champions of “trying it.”

I’d like to state, for the record, I fully support both birds and bees. Before reading any further, I suggest that you pull out your list of the whitest things you ever saw and make room at the top. Trust me, you’re going to need it.

You know what? I’m not gonna be biased. Instead of using my own caucasity-impaired vernacular to describe how PETA colonized the Black Lives Matter Movement; disrespected Colin Kaepernick’s protest against injustice, and made a mockery of 400 years of systemic oppression by comparing Black lives to grizzly bears and bald eagles, I’ll let PETA explain in their own words:

The NFL’s problem with Colin Kaepernick’s protests has apparently extended to PETA’s new Super Bowl LIV commercial, which pays homage to the quarterback by showing a variety of animals—from a bee to a bear to a bald eagle—“taking a knee” while the national anthem plays, ending with the message “Respect is the right of every living being. #EndSpeciesism.”

“PETA is challenging speciesism, which is a supremacist worldview that allows humans to disrespect other living, feeling beings and to treat their interests as unimportant,” says PETA President Ingrid Newkirk. “Our patriotic Super Bowl spot envisions an America in which no sentient being is oppressed because of how they look, where they were born, who they love, or what species they are. It sends a message of kindness—one that the NFL should embrace, not silence.”

You gotta give them credit. It must be hard to constantly raise the bar of whiteness but somehow, they are always on the cutting edge of caucasity. It’s a gift.

But if I’m being honest, I have to admit that I am troubled by this. I’m not worried about the commercial, nor am I anti-animal. I’m just trying to see who’s right.

On one hand, PETA gentrifying the movement for social justice by likening the “human prejudice of fur coats, trained circus tigers and ribeyes” (yes, they actually said that), to the institutional racism that permeates America is despicable but expected. It’s just the next logical leap from Black Lives Matter to White and Blue Lives Matter. We know that whites are always gonna white, especially at the Super Bowl. I’m sure, somewhere in the PETA office, there’s someone explaining that “this is what MLK would have wanted.”

On the other hand, I am not on the NFL’s side either. The NFL might contend that they don’t want to invite such a divisive political statement during the most-watched television event of the year. But you know what else is white as fuck?

The Donald Trump ad claiming America is stronger, more united and more prosperous, which is scheduled to air during the Super Bowl. Or the $11 million Michael Bloomberg ad that will air during the Super Bowl. Or—and I just like to list things in groups of three—perhaps the whitest of them all:

The Super Bowl itself.

So, yes I’m conflicted. I can’t decide if my position of “Fuck PETA” is strong enough to overcome my “Fuck the NFL” stance. It’s like watching that time when white supremacist Richard Spencer lamented that Donald Trump isn’t racist enough. Or if Chris Cilizza played a game of Stupid Jeopardy! against Mika Brzezinski and Chuck Todd to determine the dumbest person on television. I wouldn’t know who to root for.

Maybe I’ll decide at game time.

But if there was a Super Bowl for “trying it”…

We wouldn’t stand a chance against white people.

That’s just science.