Sarah Sanders Said God ‘Wanted Donald Trump to Become President.’ God Responds

On Wednesday, White House Spokesliar Sarah Suckabee Sanders told the Christian Broadcasting Network that she believes God wanted Donald Trump to be president of the United States, according to a transcript of the interview provided to CNN.

“I think God calls all of us to fill different roles at different times and I think that he wanted Donald Trump to become president, and that’s why he’s there,” Sanders told CBN’s David Brody and Jennifer Wishon. “I think he has done a tremendous job in supporting a lot of the things that people of faith really care about.”

To get to the bottom of this story, The Root’s Michael Harriot negotiated a one-on-one conversation with God. The following is a transcript of our exclusive interview.

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Michael Harriot: Thanks for taking this interview on such short notice. I know you must have been busy.

God: Not really. Today was a light workday. I spent most of the day keeping people in Chicago from freezing and watching Black Panther II (It’s better than the first one). Plus, as the master of space, time and ceremonies, I knew you were coming to see me.

MH: I’m sorry if I appear a little nervous. How should I address you? Should I call you Almighty? My Lord?

God: Relax, my child. I don’t need all those honorifics. I am known by many names. I really like the name LaKeisha but just plain old “God” is fine. Anyway, I want to thank you for calling Jesus on the main line and telling him what you wanted. I think I need to clear this Sarah Sanders thing up.

MH: Cool! So let’s get into it. Was Sarah telling the truth?

God: Well, I can’t say for sure. I don’t want to call her a liar. I mean … she does lie a lot, but I don’t know her very well. Just what I’ve seen on the news. As it says in the Bible:

I got 99 Problems but Sarah Sanders ain’t one. – Hova 3:16

MH: Wait … I don’t think it says that in the Bible. I think that’s a Jay-Z song.

God: Oh, right. I knew one of the “Hovs” wrote that.

MH: You watch the cable news?

God: Not quite. We have our own television network with no slant and no lies. We call it the “Not Fox News channel.” I’ve seen her on there a few times but most of the time I can’t stomach her—

MH: Her lies?

God: No, her eye makeup. What I’m trying to say is that her god might have wanted Donald Trump to win. You might want to check with Lucifer to see if she was quoting him. I haven’t talked to him since he was kicked out of choir rehearsal but I hear he spends a lot of time talking to Republicans.

I checked with the bouncers at the pearly gates and she doesn’t appear on any of our lists and I’m sure they’re correct. As it says in the Bible:

He’s making a list. He’s checking it twice. He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice. — Santaclausians 3: 16

MH: Wait … I think that’s a Christmas song.

God: You’re right. I wrote that for my son’s birthday party. I’ve written so many good quotes, it’s hard to keep up.

MH: So you’re saying that you didn’t want Donald Trump to become president?

God: Do you know how much time it would take to manipulate the elections of every country on earth? No, my son. I leave that up to y’all. I stay out of politics and sports. Plus, ever since those white dudes came up with that stupid electoral college mess, I can’t figure it out anyway. Too much math.

I let you guys choose. I liked that Obama boy but I stayed out of it. I’ll tell you a secret, though …

MH: What’s that?

God: I thought Hillary was going to win, too!

On election day, I was hanging out with all the Moseses (Harriet Tubman, Issac Hayes, Moses Malone and the other Moses—you know, the one I text messaged the eleven commandments to) when I heard Trump had won. I must admit, I was disappointed in y’all.

The only other time I’ve been that ashamed of my creation is when someone thought it would be a good idea to go to Africa and steal some humans and that one time when the Atlanta Falcons blew a 25-point halftime lead in the Super Bowl. But like I said, even though they thank me when they win, I stay out of politics and sports. I’ll watch a few games or elections every now and then but I don’t get involved.

If I got involved in sports, they never would have done my boy Kaepernick like that. That’s why I stopped watching the NFL. Plus, I already know who’s going to win.

MH: So why do you think Sarah Sanders said that?

God: Well you have to realize who she was talking to. A lot of people claim to be down with my clique but they are really out for power, money or just whiteness. They say they are “pro-life” Christians but they’re for capital punishment and guns. They claim they’re for family values but elected a serial cheater and woman abuser. They claim to stand for law and order but that voted for a man who might end up in jail (Spoiler alert: Trump will be impeached before the 2020 election). They love using my name in vain even though the eleventh commandment says:

Keep my name out of your mouth. — Sheviticus 2:32

MH: Wait … I don’t think that’s in the Bible either. So who do you think Sarah Sanders was talking about?

God: Again, she might have been talking about Satan because she never talked to me. I barely kicked it with her father. I was so glad when he lost his bid for the presidency. After I saw what he did as Governor of Arkansas, I stopped fucking with him.

But no one should pay any attention to what a liar says because lying is what they do. I tried to tell y’all that there would be a lot of false prophets who will come in my name. Like I once said:

You know you that bitch when you cause all this conversationAlways stay gracious, best revenge is your paper – Formation 3:16

MH: Wait … I actually think Beyonce said that, not God.

God: Same thing.