The CDC Delivers The Final Verdict on Whether or Not to Wash Your Chicken

I grew up in a home with parents who couldn’t cook for shit, so my affinity for food as an adult is tainted by trauma.

I remember many a night where my sister and I were presented with either finishing our food or getting the belt, and us willingly taking that ass whooping just so we could get some sleep. I remember botched recipes that looked like they came out of Frankenstein’s lab. I remember undercooked meatloaf and actually looking forward to Taco Salad Day at school.

So as an adult, I primarily eat out of necessity than actual enjoyment. And as a result, outside of searing some salmon on the stove, I can’t really cook for shit either.

But like any sensible human being, I sure as hell wash raw chicken. And I expect the same from the rest of Western Civilization.

But according to Al Gore’s Internet, not washing your chicken is actually a thing. As in, there are living, breathing (tethered?) human beings who actually eat God’s gift to stomach-kind without blessing it with holy water first.

This debate has raged on for millennia, with each side of the debate bearing torches and pitchforks. But the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention apparently had enough of World War Chicken and decided to settle the dispute once and for all.

“Don’t wash your raw chicken!” they scolded on Twitter. “Washing can spread germs from the chicken to other food or utensils in the kitchen.”

But as the Internet erupted into chaos as a result of this landmark ruling, the CDC wasn’t done yet. They were kind enough to provide some steps on how to avoid food poisoning while preparing your unwashed chicken that include putting chicken in a disposable bag before putting it in your shopping cart or refrigerator to prevent raw juices from contaminating other foods; washing your hands in warm soapy water for 2o seconds before and after handling raw chicken; using a separate cutting board; and never placing cooked food or fresh produce on a plate, cutting board or any other surface that previously had raw chicken on it.

So like millions of others, I suppose now I must learn to embrace the new normal.

Too soon, Ozzy. Too soon.