The Detroit Lions Finally Won a Game, Kyler Murray Continues His Reign and Other Takeaways From Week 13 of the NFL

What’s good, y’all? Let’s get to it.

Aside from maybe a new Silkk the Shocker album, there are few things in life worse than being the last kid picked in gym class. And for 12 excruciating weeks, the Detroit Lions watched in anguish as the New York Jets, Houston Texans, and whatever abomination going on in Jacksonville enjoyed a sigh of relief after being welcomed to the winner’s circle.

Then, one magical Sunday night at Ford Field, with the Lions down four points on 4th and two with mere seconds left on the clock, the skies parted, the Lord Kanye shrugged, and this happened:

Yes, Amon-Ra St. Brown actually caught that.

No, this isn’t some incredibly cruel joke.

Yes, by the unfathomable grace of God, the Detroit Lions (1-10) finally won a damn game. Cue shock and endless amounts of awe.

“You want this so bad for the players because they’re the ones who put in all the hard work, the sweat, the tears,” Detroit coach Dan Campbell said after his team’s improbable 29-27 victory. “When you lose, it hurts, but it’s also why winning is so great, because it isn’t easy to do.”

It’s not; which is exactly why the first-year coach responded like this when he finally won his first game:

I get it, Dan. I had the exact same reaction when Han Mi-nyeo introduced Jang Deok-su to the gates of Hell in Squid Game.

What made Detroit’s win especially dope was that Campbell dedicated the game ball to the lives that were lost during the deadly shooting at Oxford High School in Michigan.

“This game ball goes to the whole Oxford community, all those who were affected,” Campbell told reporters. “Those names will never be forgotten and they’re in our hearts and our prayers and all the families, not to mention all those that were affected.”

Congrats, city of Detroit. You deserve.

Typically, when your superstar quarterback and equally ridiculously talented star receiver miss three games apiece, what’s left of your team goes to complete shit. But that hasn’t been the case with the Arizona Cardinals (10-2), who’ve continued to kick ass and take names without Kyler Murray (ankle) and DeAndre Hopkins (hamstring) in tow.

So with both players finally making their return to the lineup on Sunday against the Chicago Perennial Disappointments, do y’all honestly believe the Chicago Perennial Disappointments stood even a remote chance?

Survey says…no.

Because there was a sprinkle of this:

A dash of this:

A whole lot of this:

And before you knew it, the game was over and the Cardinals won 33-22—because of course, they did.

“A couple of months before the season, if you’d say ‘if you had this opportunity’ yeah, we’d definitely take it,” Murray told reporters after throwing for two touchdowns and scoring two more on the ground. “This is all the hard work we’ve put in. We understand what kind of guys we have in the locker room. We understood what we had before the season started. It was just about going and doing it and executing.”

Bears quarterback Andy Dalton, on the other hand, was complete trash and unleashed his mutant ability to throw multiple interceptions on Sunday. Thankfully, because he’s such a class act, he was kind enough to stop at four.

“They understand that it’s OK to be upset, it’s OK to be frustrated after a game, there’s a lot of emotions,” Bears coach Matt Nagy said. “We all want to play better and coach better, they know that. But it is, in these times, you wanna make sure that these guys are understanding that it’s our job, our obligation, to make sure we give it everything we got.”

With Sunday’s win, the Cardinals became the first team to collect 10 wins this season. In other news, the Detroit Lions will fail miserably at doing the same.

I’m glad you asked.

Not Lamar Jackson, who helped ensure the Baltimore Ravens lost their second straight game with this throw that was just out of Mark Andrews’ reach for the win:

But this fake punt by upback Travis Homer of the Seattle Seahawks was nasty:

There was also Gardner Minshew, who should probably be a starter somewhere and didn’t get busy in a Burger King bathroom, but sure as hell got busy on the field filling in for Jalen Hurts:

Catch y’all next week.