Throw Away Your Romaine Lettuce and Then Put the Rest of These Trash Foods in the Trash, Too

Jello

Green bean casserole

Turkey lunch meat

Dates

Boiled hot dogs

Cottage cheese

Coconut water

Tiramisu

Candy corn

Easter Peeps

Iceberg lettuce

All puddings

Mountain Dew

Beets

Turkey bacon

Chicken nuggets

Gin

Pumpkin-flavored anything

Hard-boiled eggs

Caviar

Prunes

Hard pretzels

Marriott Rewards Continental Breakfast sausage gravy

Muffins

Brownies

Relish

Unsweetened iced tea

Coffee

Sauerkraut

Beer-battered fish

Beer

Chicken Cordon Bleu

Blue cheese

Pickles

Most coleslaws

Your potato salad if 1) this is one of the first 22 times you’ve tried to make it or 2) if you’re a white person with no Southern roots

All of the candy that my dad likes (sorry, Dad)

Licorice

Tootsie Rolls

Powdered eggs

Chicken salad

Tuna casserole

All casseroles, generally, because casseroles (generally) are bad ideas borne out of pervasive indecisiveness

Those Frisbee-shaped Mexican pizzas they served at lunchtime if you went to school in the Greater Pittsburgh Metropolitan Area

Baked potatoes

Celery

Strawberry ice cream

Most of y’all’s turkeys tomorrow