Tucker Carlson and Chill: White Conservatives in DC Can’t Get a Date, but the Black Ones Are Doing Fine

Apparently it’s really hard for the khaki-pants-wearing, tiki-torch-carrying, Trump-loving crowd to find dates in Washington, D.C. At least that’s the conclusion of “Why It’s Hard for Conservatives to Date in D.C. Right Now,” a piece in The Washingtonian magazine that’s become all the talk in Washington circles this week. Or at least some Washington circles.

Conservatives (mostly men) in the article lament that D.C. liberals would rather swipe left than settle in for a night of Tucker Carlson and chill. The dating deficit isn’t just affecting the men, though. Conservative women who’ve swarmed D.C. since Donald Trump got into office are forced to alter their dating choices, too. From The Washingtonian:

Conversely, a young White House staffer says she typically looks for someone from the South when swiping through profiles, as she thinks they’ll be more receptive to her support of the President.

Let’s be clear: She’s looking for a white guy from the South. I’m pretty sure she’s not on BlackSinglesMeet.com scrolling for alumni from FAMU. Which got me thinking: Are black conservatives having the same dating problems as white conservatives in D.C.? Is there some lonely black Republican guy out there wondering why Lisa, Angela, Pamela and Renee never responded to his Diamond and Silk Chit Chat Live Evite? Is there some black Republican woman out there trying to turn men’s heads who’s frustrated because everyone thinks her “Lock Her Up” T-shirt is advertising a new spot on 14th Street to get their braids done? I took an unofficial survey of every black Republican I know to get to the bottom of this mystery.

Obviously, this polling has some limitations—most of the black Republicans I know are already married, and it was hard finding LGBT black Republicans. I know a few, but to this day, I have yet to meet a black lesbian Republican. I’m sure they’re out there, riding unicorns and paying for Janelle Monáe tickets with four-leaf clovers dipped in vibranium, but I couldn’t find any before deadline.

The vast majority of people I spoke to said that being a conservative or a Republican didn’t hurt their D.C. dating prospects at all. If anything, it may have helped. The people I spoke to agreed to share their stories on the condition that their identities be kept secret. So The Root promised to be one of the few outlets in D.C. that WON’T leak Republican testimony.

“My boys introduce me as ‘That’s my Republican friend,’ and women are, like, intrigued,” said one prominent GOP state party member in his late 40s.

“I know Republicans who get play, and I know some that are wack,” said a Gen X Republican married to a woman who worked on former President Barack Obama’s campaign. “I mean, most folks don’t bang with 45 like that, so if that’s how you start and end every conversation, what do you expect?”

The emerging theme was that being a black Republican wasn’t as big a problem so long as:

You focused on the black part.

You weren’t a Trump-supporting black person.

“It’s never been a problem for me,” a millennial black Republican who works in media said. “I mean, my girlfriend knows I’m a black man. She knows that the lens through which I live my conservative politics is as a black man. Besides, her momma said, ‘As long as he isn’t one of those TRUMP conservatives,’ and I definitely am not!”

“I’ve dated lots of men I don’t agree with,” said a 40-something black woman who works as a newspaper editor. “But Trump supporters are assholes!” She noted that a co-worker set her up with a Trumper about a year ago.

“He was very handsome, successful, but so arrogant,” she said. “He went on and on about how journalists should be locked up and how immigrants are ruining America.” Clearly lapsing into the worst date of her life, “And you know the worst part? He was a Jamaican immigrant!”

A lot of what I was hearing spoke to the way that black folks navigate “party” politics versus universal issues when it comes to dating and mating. For many, being a Republican is like a form of code-switching, and potential dates accept that, but “Trumpism” is a lifestyle choice that will get you no love. I swear on a stack of secondhand copies of Gifted Hands that most black men and women in Washington would go on a date with a small-government, lower-taxes, pro-life potential bae, and even listen to some shading of Obama, but there are limits.

I went on a few dates with a black Republican soon after I moved to D.C. Everything was cool until we started talking about Black Lives Matter and she turned into Stacey Dash. Not the “All Falls Down” Stacey Dash, but Fox News, “We should cancel Black History Month and I hate BET even though I used to twerk in their videos,” hypocritical Stacey Dash.

I think this woman found political debates to be sexy, but by the time she was explaining why black folks shouldn’t be given access to police dashcam and bodycam video because we’d “just go crazy and riot,” it was a wrap. I wanted to just give her a prepaid Metro card back to the sunken place, but I was too much of a gentleman; and besides, she probably would have liked it.

My extensive survey and lab work could only lead to one conclusion: Conservative white, Trump-loving people must suck at dating in D.C., because black conservatives aren’t having these problems. Also, this isn’t just a Trump issue; Breitbart complained about the same thing during the Obama administration, and Tomi Lahren’s living Dorian Gray painting, Ann Coulter, said the same thing under Bush.

So why a whole article about it? What would compel a few “MAGA”-hat-wearing men and women to whine to The Washingtonian that their weekends are as empty as a Trump Christmas party?

“That was just some ‘woe is me’ white-boy stuff right there,” said the GOP state official. “They think they’re entitled, but look, you enabled this guy [Trump]; you’re complicit in what this country is going through. Why should anybody throw you the box?”

Never fear, though, young white conservatives. There are still some options for the less-than-discerning, Trump-supporting D.C. dater. Just know that the first 20 minutes might cost you about $130,000, but you definitely won’t be judged for riding the Trump train.