We Need to Talk About the White-on-White Virus In the Republican Community

This weekend, I watched in horror as members of the white community took to the streets in support of another so-called “victim” of COVID-19. While our beloved Constitution guarantees us the freedom of speech, it’s time we said something about these dangerous members of antifa (The anti-facemask movement) running wild in our streets.

Politico reports::

By Sunday afternoon, hundreds of people had congregated outside the hospital. They handed out water and candy and stacks of pizza the Trump campaign sent over. They flew every brand of MAGA flag in the sky — the most devoted carried 20-foot pipes with four flags apiece mounted on them — marching them up and down the sidewalks. “YMCA” and “Proud to Be an American,” both Trump rally staples, blared on repeat on boomboxes and generator-powered amps.

MAGA Country had gathered to celebrate and pray for its leader — an impromptu festival-meets-vigil for its venerated, living saint.

I’m tired of this false narrative.

If the GOP really wanted to solve the problems in their community, they need to address white-on-white crime, their lack of science education and their family structure before they start blaming a few isolated coronaviruses who were just doing their jobs. There is no evidence that racism exists among the brave microscopic droplets who fearlessly put themselves in harm’s way, floating into some of the worse noses and throats in America.

Look, I’m not saying that all white people are at fault but the facts speak for themselves. Of the 21 members of Congress who tested positive for COVID-19, 13 were Republican and 17 were white, according to NPR. Furthermore, Hope Hicks’ reportedly knew about her positive status since Wednesday and still attended a MAGA rally. Sens. Thom Tillis (R-N.C.) and Mike Lee (R-Utah), along with liars Kellyanne Conway, Kayleigh McEnany, John Jenkins and Chris Christie, all tested positive after attending the GOP’s event honoring Supreme Court Nominee Amy Coney Barrett, who was wise enough to contract the novel coronavirus before it became popular in GOP circles.

These ‘ronas risk their lives every day, doing the Lord’s work while the fake media attacks them for exercising their religious freedoms. God told them to “be fruitful and multiply” and the First Amendment gives them the right to assemble in any nasal passages they want.

Think how difficult it must be to live in Melania Trump’s surgically altered nasal passage. Do you know how hard a single coronavirus has to work to dodge all the lies coming out of Kellyanne Conway’s mouth? Imagine what it must be like to lodge yourself in Chris Christie’s throat knowing that, at any minute, you could suffer third-degree burns from a Hot Pocket doused in biscuit gravy.

Instead of honoring the courageous coronaviruses residing in Republican respiratory droplets, health officials have “decided not to trace the contacts” who were present at the superspreader cookout where at least eight people have contracted COVID-45, according to the New York Times. The Trump administration has also excluded the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention from the investigative process, even though the agency “has the government’s most extensive knowledge and resources for contact tracing.”

Wait…you can do that?

I’m not a lawyer, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn one night. During my stay, while scrolling through the channels with that white remote control that was probably covered in middle-manager semen and unemployed COVIDs, I happened to catch an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. In the story that was “ripped from the headlines,” Ice-T was chasing a predator who was intentionally spreading HIV. The episode concluded with Mariska Hargitay (whose name, coincidentally, sound like someone is coughing up phlegm), successfully arguing that spreading a deadly virus was actually a worse crime than sexual assault, so she could charge the rapist with a different crime:

Murder.

But instead of uplifting their community, shallow-breathing right-lung supremacists have decided to introduce the newest member of Wheezer:

I’m not laughing. That’s just how I pray.

But seriously, why does the white community insist on celebrating criminals? These people aren’t role models. While I certainly believe that all life is valuable, I have no sympathy for the Flu Klux Klan. All they had to do was follow the CDC’s instructions and maybe they wouldn’t have the latest unarmed victims of COVID* brutality.

*The Confederation Of Virus-Infected Dummies: A mnemonic device describing the divisive new, moaning sufferers of pneumonia.

This is what happens when you don’t comply.

These people need to take a hard look at their culture. When Republicans send their people to debates and fundraising rallies, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people who celebrate criminals like Donald Trump. Instead of taking care of their families, they’re out in the streets raw-dogging adult film stars and leaving baby mamas all over the country. They don’t pay their fair share of taxes because they’re always looking for a government handout. And, instead of pulling themselves up by their mask straps, they’d rather play the victim.

And some, I imagine, are good people.

I’m tired of these thugs getting a free ride. Until we confront the SNOWFLAKEs*, our streets are never going to be safe.

*Superspreading Nitwits Opposed to Wearing Facemasks to Limit A Killer Epidemic: A cold, white and fragile substance. Although they lack intelligence, in large amounts, their presence will cause school closings and businesses to shut down. 

Luckily, I have some solutions:

Build a wall: We need a plexiglass border around white places like Panera Bread, Hobby Lobby and the room in the White House where Hope Hicks and Donald Trump are apparently so close that they can exchange mouthspit.

Lock them in cages: My COVID separation policy would build detention centers where white people could quarantine.

Suppress their vote: Instead of voter ID, we should require masks at polling places. I think the Post Office should also test all absentee ballots for respiratory droplets.

The Caucasian travel ban: This has nothing to do with coronavirus. This is about how they take their shoes off on airplanes.

Designate white spaces as “shithole counties”: I know this seems harsh, but I’ve watched them in the bathroom and, either there’s an abbreviated version of the birthday song or part of white privilege is the belief that the coronavirus doesn’t land on white people’s palms. They also let dogs lick their spoons. I don’t know what this has to do with COVID-19 but it’s nasty.

Call the police on white people: I think 911 should lock up any white person who refuses to wear a mask. It’s gotta be disorderly conduct or something. All I know is they make me feel uncomfortable.

Use their hate against them: Start a rumor that believing Black Lives Matter is one of the side-effects of COVID-19. Tell them that Colin Kaepernick knelt for the right not to wear a mask. Ask Barack Obama to put on a tan suit and proclaim that he’s against social distancing.

What if a new Rihanna album cured the coronavirus? If Rih-Rih was a true patriot, she’d at least give it a shot.

Make it a conspiracy theory: According to QAnon, the Clinton Foundation paid Jeffrey Epstein $295 million to use his island as a testing facility where they subjected young test subjects to a mind control weapons. Once everyone wears an n95 mask, we will suddenly reach a new level of consciousness and everyone will remember Benghazi, whats how many people were shot in Chicago and how the Democrats are the party of the KKK

Awareness: Perhaps they could make some t-shirts. I don’t know if anyone has used the phrase before, but “I Can’t Breathe” seems like a contagious slogan.

Or, instead of ignoring the advice of the CDC, science and stay-at-home orders and everyone who passed 10th-grade biology, perhaps—just this one time—they could stop whining about their problems and act like a true American. The white community and the GOP as a whole wouldn’t have this problem if they just did one thing:

Stop resisting.