What in the Hell Are the Los Angeles Lakers Doing?

While the Los Angeles Lakers are the only team on planet Earth who are able to routinely flip marginal assets into big-name players—for those who don’t believe Laker privilege is a real thing, try being an Orlando Magic fan for a decade or three—I have no idea how in the hell Russell Westbrook is supposed to restore their championship aspirations.

On Thursday, we learned that yet another premiere talent had forced his way to Los Angeles with the announcement that Mr. Triple Double himself would be abandoning Bradley Beal reportedly in exchange for Winnie Harlow’s boyfriend, Montrezl Harrell, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, and the No. 22 pick in Thursday night’s NBA Draft (the deal can’t be officially announced until Aug. 6). But because many will confuse my bewilderment with this trade for my deep disdain for all things purple and gold, please allow me to explain why Laker Nation should instead be seething with rage.

Aside from Anthony Davis’ propensity to suffer catastrophic injuries while brushing his teeth or ironing his clothes, the Lakers’ most glaring weaknesses last year revolved around poor shooting and an inability to generate offense when LeBron was on the bench. So to remedy these ills, why in the hell would you trade for a high volume scorer who’s about as efficient as DaBaby is competent and who will be paid over $40 million a year for the next two seasons not to be able to make a fucking jump shot?

There’s also the fact that aside from turning 33 this upcoming season, he can’t play off the ball—which he’ll do a lot of while co-starring with LeBron—and his athleticism is on the brink of evaporating faster than you can say “this nigga has also turned over the rock more than four times a game in seven consecutive seasons.” Sure, he’ll still stuff the box score because he’s relentless (to the detriment of the team). But does that equate to optimizing his teammates and playing winning basketball? The survey says, “Hell nah.”

Simply put, he’s an expensive-ass, weird-ass fit who’ll draw Laker Nation’s ire after they spend this entire upcoming season watching LeBron hit him for wide-open jumpers that inevitably conclude with either an airball or the familiar thud of CLANK. He’s also arguably the worst three-point shooter in the history of the entire league and despite his aggressive play and gaudy numbers, there’s a reason he’ll be playing on his fourth team in just as many seasons.

Congrats, Lakers!

In other news, Kyle Lowry or Mike Conley would’ve been much cheaper and added much more value, but let me mind my Black-ass business.