Why You Just Can’t Trust a Man With Weak Dap, Explained

My answer depends on who asks.

If a white person asks, I’d perhaps say something like “It’s a catchall to describe what often happens when black males greet each other with myriad intimate (and sometimes complex) variations of the standard handshake. Also, some members of the Latino community are familiar with and partake in this experience. And while dap is usually associated with men and boys, women and girls sometimes use it too.”

If an American-born black person fixes his mouth to inquire about dap, I’m going to assume he’s either a bop or an opp, and my answer will be to squirt lemon juice in his eye.

Yes, because they don’t let niggas carry pepper spray.

Are you carrying pepper spray?

See?

There’s a quite entertaining article at the Smithsonian Institution about the origins of dap, which includes the revelation that dap is an acronym for “dignity and pride.” I’m somewhat skeptical of some of the claims here—particularly that dap originated in the ’60s—but it’s still an interesting read for trivia to impress Tinder dates with.

Nah. Some just give you the standard handshake each time. Which is fine! Dap sometimes can be exhausting and overwhelming. For instance, I have a herniated disk in my back right now and giving a nigga a full, chest-to-chest dap would make me yelp.

Again, while dap is a catchall to describe a number of ways to greet, the handshake is the foundation of it. If dap was a Thanksgiving feast, the handshake would be the turkey. And some niggas serve undercooked turkeys.

Yes. Again, not everyone will always want to do each step in the dap sequence. Also, sometimes the rhythm and the timing might be off, which can be awkward, but awkward is fine. Awkward we can live with. But if I go to reach for your hand, and the hand you give me feels like a microwaved banana, I will be disgusted, I will be offended and perhaps I might even be a little hurt.

Flaccid banana hands are always followed by the second step—the hug/chest bump—where the chest isn’t bumped as much as it’s caressed. Sprinkled. It’s like hugging a fucking kite. Of course, exceptions are made if a person is dealing with some sort of injury or illness. But there’s a difference between “Let’s go easy on the dap today because I pulled a muscle in my chest” and “If my chest touches your chest I’m going to disintegrate into a puddle of Reese’s Cup wrappers.” The latter is also usually accompanied by a lack of eye contact.

If you can’t trust him to do the simplest thing—and not having banana hands is really simple!—than what can you trust him with? Also, weak dap has a way of communicating that a man maybe believes he’s too good to put any effort into it. Almost like he’s saying “Here, peasant, shake my hand if you must, but don’t linger. Now scurry away.” Scurry away on deez.

Of course it does. You know, I was worried about you for a minute, though. Was about to pull out my lemon juice.

No.