Yeah, I'm Just Glad Cesar Sayoc Ain't Black

Cesar Sayoc, a suspect in the series of mail bombs sent to prominent Democrats and outspoken critics of President Trump, was arrested today in Plantation, Fla.

Sayoc is also the owner of the white van pictured above, which is covered in right-wing paraphernalia and looks, for lack of a better term, like a murder van. It’s a McVeigh van. If I saw this van parked on my street, I’d throw a can of Raid at it, and then I would call the Dora Milaje, and then I would check Zillow for available houses in neighborhoods far away from it. It looks like it smells like Hotmail accounts. If you are a murderer, this van, by itself, could be your LinkedIn profile.

Together, this news story seems too on the nose to be true, even for an especially absurd year. A murder-van-driving-Republican in a town called Plantation—a murder-van-driving-Republican who also maybe used to be a Great Value Chippendale—is the prime suspect in perhaps the most expansive mass political assassination attempt in American history. Y’all already tried to convince me that someone takes Cory Booker seriously enough to attempt to murk him, and now this? I don’t believe you, 2018. You need more people.

Anyway, this arrest explains that strange noise you heard outside this morning when Sayoc’s picture was finally televised. It wasn’t an earthquake or a sonic boom. Just the simultaneous exhalation of 30 million black Americans elated he ain’t a brotha.

I mean, of course, all signs indicated that this person was 1) probably a man and 2) probably not a black man. Particularly when considering how much he must have paid in postage. But we’ve been fooled before. Also, with a name like Cesar it would be dangerous to presume non-blackness, too. I know at least three black men named Caesar, I know at least seven black people who own pit bulls named Caesar, and the Caesar—which, depending on the part of the country you’re in, can be called a “regular” or an “even”—is still the most popular hairstyle for black men.

But alas, we can breathe easy now, since we finally have confirmation that it probably wasn’t Kanye a brotha.