Explain Like I’m a Racist 5-Year-Old
Explain Like I’m a Racist 5-Year-Old
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The Problem With the Billionaire Space Race, Explained
There’s no better metaphor for capitalism-based inequality than billionaires competing to reach the upper sky.
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Black Paranoia and the COVID Vaccine, Explained
Hey, Racist Baby! How are you doing? I haven’t seen you in a while. What does that even mean, you little baby bigot? Wait…are you trying to say “As-Salaam-Alaikum?” Stop it, my little tyke nationalist. You’re going too far. Please don’t tell me your racist parents have turned you into an anti-masker. Well. my little…
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Why Stephen Miller’s Emails Are White Nationalism Explained, Explained
Racist baby, it’s been a while! Why do you look so sad? Why would a musician have to stop making music? Oh no, my little racist toddler friend. I think you’re conflating the Steve Miller Band with White House adviser and founding member of the Hair Club for White Supremacists, Stephen Miller. The Steve Miller…
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The Whistleblower Complaint About Donald Trump's Secret Phone Call, Explained
Hey Buddy! Long-time, no see! How have you been? I’m sorry. I have no idea what you’re talking about. No, my little neophyte Nazi. There isn’t a person with a high IQ blowing a whistle. They’re talking about the whistleblower complaint from a source within the intelligence community. No. No. No. Apparently, a high-level person…
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Why Everyone’s Talking About Reparations, Explained
Hello again, Racist Baby! What are you doing here? Wait … Who told you Jesus is coming back? And why would he only come back for black people? No, Racist Baby. Those people aren’t talking about Revelation, the last book of the New Testament, they’re talking about black reparations. Reparations is “the making of amends…
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Why White People Love Blackface, Explained
Hey Racist Baby! Why do you look so concerned? Jail? What has your dad done now, Racist Baby? No, Racist Baby. The “PC” is an abbreviation of “political correctness.” It’s a term white people use when they don’t want to be condemned for doing something that offends people. What exactly did your dad do? No,…
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Do White People Have Higher IQs?
Sick Kyle! Hey racist baby! Who’s Kyle? Why is he sick? And why are you wiping your forehead with the back of your hand? Do you have a fever? And why are you wearing a white robe? Did you just get out of the hospital or something? Oh, tiny Führer, you mean Sieg Heil. It…
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The North Carolina Republican Voter Fraud Scandal, Explained to a Racist 5-Year-Old
I’m not Hitler. Oh, wait, racist baby, I think you mean “Heil Hitler.” When Nazis raise their hands like that, they’re saluting. It’s not a greeting, it’s a racist gesture. OK, racist baby. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. What’s been going on? Well, actually, my little intolerant toddler, it is the white…
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Why It’s Taking Florida and Georgia So Long To #CountAllTheVotes, Explained
Well hello again, Racist Baby! I’m afraid it’s a little more complicated than that. No one is trying to steal the election, people are just trying to make sure all the votes are counted. Well actually, that’s not true. Because we have a white nationalist president, those seem to be the only places he wants…
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Birthright Citizenship Explained Like You're a Racist 5-Year-Old
5-year-old racist: Hey, why is everyone talking about birthright citizenship and the 14th Amendment? Me: Well, my little Caucasian friend, it’s because of racism. Oooh, I like racism! Tell me more! Well, once upon a time, in a kingdom not very far, far away, a group of white men passed the Naturalization Acts in 1790…