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Abolish Gutless White Journalists Saying 'America' When They Clearly Mean 'White America'
You cannot read Ethan Strauss’s piece on the NBA’s rating problems without a subscription to The Athletic. Fortunately, you do not need to read it to have read it, because his 25-character tweet accurately synopsizes the 2,000 words behind the paywall. In it, Strauss stretches himself into logical origami to determine that the NBA’s very…
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Abolish MAGA Parody Hats
Conceding even the tiniest thing to a hateful and violent twerp like our president feels like a total defeat. Unfortunately, I must admit that there are (at least) three zeitgeist-related places that he has “won”—where his influence has been total and, possibly, irreversible. I’ve never been a kumbaya-ass nigga who gave any proper shits about…
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Anxiety Is for Girls, Gays, Wimps, and White People
The second biggest lie that I allow people who’ve read my book, and who’ve heard me speak about my book, to believe is that I’m brave. “How did you find the courage,” they ask, during Q&As at independent bookstores, and through emails and (now) Zoom talks, “to be so forthcoming and vulnerable about your neuroses…
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COVID-19 Made Me a One-Issue Voter: Get the Man Responsible for 165,000 American Deaths the Fuck Out
So I guess there’s no point in belaboring my premise since it’s right there, with a bullhorn, in the title, but I do want to clarify. Getting the motherfucker(s) most responsible for the way COVID-19 has devastated America the fuck out of office is the thing I care about most right now. But it’s not…
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Why (Some) Men Seem to be So Bothered by Cardi B's 'WAP,' Explained
This is dumb. What? Your entire premise. What’s wrong with it? Why would anyone in their right mind be bothered by waffles and pancakes? They’re delicious breakfast and brunch staples. The Anthony Davis of breakfast and brunch. And, even if you had celiac disease, there are gluten-free options. Do these men hate french toast too?…
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Here's Some Songs, Presented Today for No Reason Whatsoever, About PHAD (Presumably Hard-Ass Dicks)
1. “Too Close” Next Was a very popular club song in college. I don’t listen to the words of R&B songs, so didn’t realize it was about hard dicks until years later. Many years later. Too many years later. Like last year. 2. “Magic Stick” 50 Cent 3. “Dogshit” Ol’ Dirty Bastard Another college-related memory…
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If Kanye Somehow Stays in the Presidential Race, It'll Hurt Trump, Not Biden
“No, I don’t have any bottled water” was my reply, 12 years ago, when two women—one of whom I was dating; the other was her friend—visited my apartment for the first time. I’d just offered the friend some Kool-Aid, and she looked at me like I’d just offered her a glass of elephant backwash, and…
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A List of Characters in Hamilton Who Also Should've Shot Alexander Hamilton in the Face
1. At least once a week, 50 Cent does or says a thing that makes you think “Yeah, I see why people want to kill you.” Alexander Hamilton was (spoiler alert) killed by Aaron Burr, but like 17 different people had good reason to kill him too. The homie Bassey put it best: “Not enough…
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Do You Know What 'Brolic' Means? (And If Not, Where Are You From?)
While walking through some mud at Moraine State Park last weekend, I thought about how “mud” is one of those perfect words that fits exactly what it is. Mud looks and acts and feels and smells exactly like something we should call “mud.” It would make no sense if the word for mud was something…
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I Just Want to Be 'Normal,' and I Need a Therapist to Convince Me It Doesn't Exist
“It is weird?” I asked, in a message I copied and pasted to several people through text, on Gchat, and in Facebook Messenger, six weeks ago. The question was a followup to a revelation I also shared with the same people: I’d recently discovered, while finally seriously researching potential therapists—after telling myself for years that…
